It's funny sometimes how when people criticize you and go on and on about the way you live your life, they soon end up in the same situation and end up feeling the same way or making the same decisions you did. I've seen this happen a lot in the past few weeks with numerous people who always had something to say. Glad I set a good example LOL
Just found it to be a funny observation and funny how life works sometimes, isn't it?
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
New
New haircut and color: Check
New clothes and shoes: Check
New business plan: Check
New and amazing friends: Check
Great family: Check
An awesome son who grows smarter and more handsome by the day: Check
Wonderful old friends: Check
Happy, new attitude and outlook on my awesome life: Check
I think I've got it all! And I don't need to convince myself or anyone else lol trust me, I KNOW it.
I have an amazing group of family and friends (some who have been here for a while, some who have just moved and some I've just met) around me and it feels awesome. I have someone who brings a smile to my face every day, actually a few people who do that. For the first time, after this past year of hell, things are going amazingly. And I DESERVE every bit of it.
I need to start updating this more but that'll have to be after the start of November. Halloween means Trick or Treating with my lil man and going out with a cool new friend (who also helped create the awesome new hair, love her!) to celebrate the holiday. The next day Kimmy and Sarah arrive (YAY!), and a few days after that my one of my really good friends that I love spending time with comes home from training, then Mac's R&R, a concert with said good friend in Nashville....Wow, so much going on.
And can I just say, I LOVE that my husband has been supportive of everything that's gone on and understands my thoughts and decisions and puts my happiness as priority above all else and has allowed me to find those things whatever that may mean for him and I. It takes an amazing person to do that and it has made me happier than ever because in fact, you CAN have your cake and eat it too. ; )
Anyway, that's all for now.
Until next time....
XOXO
New clothes and shoes: Check
New business plan: Check
New and amazing friends: Check
Great family: Check
An awesome son who grows smarter and more handsome by the day: Check
Wonderful old friends: Check
Happy, new attitude and outlook on my awesome life: Check
I think I've got it all! And I don't need to convince myself or anyone else lol trust me, I KNOW it.
I have an amazing group of family and friends (some who have been here for a while, some who have just moved and some I've just met) around me and it feels awesome. I have someone who brings a smile to my face every day, actually a few people who do that. For the first time, after this past year of hell, things are going amazingly. And I DESERVE every bit of it.
I need to start updating this more but that'll have to be after the start of November. Halloween means Trick or Treating with my lil man and going out with a cool new friend (who also helped create the awesome new hair, love her!) to celebrate the holiday. The next day Kimmy and Sarah arrive (YAY!), and a few days after that my one of my really good friends that I love spending time with comes home from training, then Mac's R&R, a concert with said good friend in Nashville....Wow, so much going on.
And can I just say, I LOVE that my husband has been supportive of everything that's gone on and understands my thoughts and decisions and puts my happiness as priority above all else and has allowed me to find those things whatever that may mean for him and I. It takes an amazing person to do that and it has made me happier than ever because in fact, you CAN have your cake and eat it too. ; )
Anyway, that's all for now.
Until next time....
XOXO
Friday, October 1, 2010
New Beginnings
So, the move from the farm of death is official and it's wonderful.
Things aren't completely settled yet and there is still a LOT left to do BUT it's getting there and that's the important part.
The horses are already doing better and new business opportunities are presenting themselves. It's pretty amazing.
I'll write more later but I just wanted to update since I haven't in a while.
There's a lot to be excited about right now.
Things aren't completely settled yet and there is still a LOT left to do BUT it's getting there and that's the important part.
The horses are already doing better and new business opportunities are presenting themselves. It's pretty amazing.
I'll write more later but I just wanted to update since I haven't in a while.
There's a lot to be excited about right now.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Victory
It is not the critic that counts nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled; nor where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat ...and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and; who at worst, if he fails while doing greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold & timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat! - Theodore Roosevelt
Entitlement
I'm starting to wonder...since when are Military wives entitled to everything? Or at least when did they start demanding things like they are?
In reality, the government does not owe you a damned thing. It is not your name on the dotted line. They do not HAVE to pay for your school or for any of the other things they pay for. Instead of whining about the things they won't pay for that you want maybe you all should be thankful for the things they do pay for that, realistically, they don't have to nor do they owe YOU. Your service member? I agree, they should have all of the benefits in the world. Yes, their families should have some. But us have everything? No. Yes, it's hard being left at home, waiting, putting up with the Army life, etc. but nothing is owed to us because we are not the ones fighting wars and we are not the ones in harms way. End of story. Everyone in this country needs to stop thinking that they're entitled to things. What happened to working for what you have? Is that a by gone concept?
It seems that more and more lately people feel they're entitled to things they want and/or need and that they shouldn't have to work for or earn these things but that they should be handed to them. I'm not sure where this idea comes from and it's mostly among the younger twenty somethings and teens. It's honestly annoying. I always learned if you want something then work for it. End of story. I'm not saying I haven't been given things or that being given things isn't nice, what I'm saying is that nothing is owed to you so don't demand it as if it is.
I would like someone to do my laundry today and clean my house but that's obviously not going to happen so....instead I'm going to get off my ass and do it.
More later...
In reality, the government does not owe you a damned thing. It is not your name on the dotted line. They do not HAVE to pay for your school or for any of the other things they pay for. Instead of whining about the things they won't pay for that you want maybe you all should be thankful for the things they do pay for that, realistically, they don't have to nor do they owe YOU. Your service member? I agree, they should have all of the benefits in the world. Yes, their families should have some. But us have everything? No. Yes, it's hard being left at home, waiting, putting up with the Army life, etc. but nothing is owed to us because we are not the ones fighting wars and we are not the ones in harms way. End of story. Everyone in this country needs to stop thinking that they're entitled to things. What happened to working for what you have? Is that a by gone concept?
It seems that more and more lately people feel they're entitled to things they want and/or need and that they shouldn't have to work for or earn these things but that they should be handed to them. I'm not sure where this idea comes from and it's mostly among the younger twenty somethings and teens. It's honestly annoying. I always learned if you want something then work for it. End of story. I'm not saying I haven't been given things or that being given things isn't nice, what I'm saying is that nothing is owed to you so don't demand it as if it is.
I would like someone to do my laundry today and clean my house but that's obviously not going to happen so....instead I'm going to get off my ass and do it.
More later...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
WHAT DON'T THEY GET?
I'm really curious as to why people seem to think that THEIR problems are my number one priority in life. Why is it that people think that whatever they have going on 1) I have to deal with for them or help them deal with and 2) that I should drop whatever I'm doing in my life to take care of their crap.
I have a boat load full of my own problems without everyone on my ass about why I haven't taken time out to sit and bullshit with them about their lives or gossip or whatever. I have my entire life to change and rearrange and work out and that is my ONLY focus right now. My life keeps me busy enough for 10 people so I don't need anyone else's shit on my plate as well.
Then, to top that off, I'm getting really tired of two faced people. I have discovered that the more you do to help people the more they walk all over you, take advantage and screw you over. I'm really confused as to why this is because if I had people doing those things for me I sure as hell would be good to them. I don't know where everyone got the idea that people and/or life owes them something if they're having a hard time because here's a HUGE secret. No one owes you anything. No one owes any of us anything and life especially does not owe us anything.
So, here's something to start with: I'm tired of your dog food horses, I'm tired of your crap, I'm tired of whining and bitching about stupid shit, I'm tired of hearing your problems not because you need a shoulder or an open ear but because you want me to fix them, I'm tired of people expecting me to fix their lives for them, etc etc...
I am done, and have been done for a while, worrying about other people and their crap. No one seems to be liking this change and I'm sorry, that must really suck for them but oh well. Find someone else to give you handouts, be a good friend, take care of crap for you and help you fix your life cause it sure as hell won't be me anymore. The ignore button is a beautiful thing.
I have a boat load full of my own problems without everyone on my ass about why I haven't taken time out to sit and bullshit with them about their lives or gossip or whatever. I have my entire life to change and rearrange and work out and that is my ONLY focus right now. My life keeps me busy enough for 10 people so I don't need anyone else's shit on my plate as well.
Then, to top that off, I'm getting really tired of two faced people. I have discovered that the more you do to help people the more they walk all over you, take advantage and screw you over. I'm really confused as to why this is because if I had people doing those things for me I sure as hell would be good to them. I don't know where everyone got the idea that people and/or life owes them something if they're having a hard time because here's a HUGE secret. No one owes you anything. No one owes any of us anything and life especially does not owe us anything.
So, here's something to start with: I'm tired of your dog food horses, I'm tired of your crap, I'm tired of whining and bitching about stupid shit, I'm tired of hearing your problems not because you need a shoulder or an open ear but because you want me to fix them, I'm tired of people expecting me to fix their lives for them, etc etc...
I am done, and have been done for a while, worrying about other people and their crap. No one seems to be liking this change and I'm sorry, that must really suck for them but oh well. Find someone else to give you handouts, be a good friend, take care of crap for you and help you fix your life cause it sure as hell won't be me anymore. The ignore button is a beautiful thing.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Anything Like Me
This song I can very much identify with ; ) For Caleb....
I remember sayin' I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said "Ya see that thing right there well ya know what that means"
And I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if hes anything like me
He'll probably climb a tree to tall and ride hes bike to fast
End up every summer wearin something in a cast
Hes gonna throw a ball and break some glass in a window down the street
Hes gonna get in trouble oh hes gonna get in fights
Im gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It safe to say that im gonna get my pay back if hes anything like me
I can see him right now knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass tryin to melt the Tonka truck
Wont he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love til his first love comes along
He'll get his heart broke by the time hes in his teens
And heaven help him if hes anything like me
He'll probably stay out to late and drive his car to fast
Get a speeding ticket he'll pay for mowing grass
Hes gonna get caught skippin class and be ground for a week
Hes gonna get in trouble we're gonna get in fights
Im gonna lose my temper and some sleep
Its safe to say that im gonna get my pay back if hes anything like me
Hes gonna love me and hate me along the way
Years are gonna fly by I already dread the day
Hes gonna hug hes momma hes gonna shake my hand
Hes gonna act like he cant wait to leave
But as he drives out he'll cry hes eyes out
If hes anything like me,
There's worse folks to be like,
Aw he'll be alright if hes anything like me
I remember sayin' I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said "Ya see that thing right there well ya know what that means"
And I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if hes anything like me
He'll probably climb a tree to tall and ride hes bike to fast
End up every summer wearin something in a cast
Hes gonna throw a ball and break some glass in a window down the street
Hes gonna get in trouble oh hes gonna get in fights
Im gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It safe to say that im gonna get my pay back if hes anything like me
I can see him right now knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass tryin to melt the Tonka truck
Wont he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love til his first love comes along
He'll get his heart broke by the time hes in his teens
And heaven help him if hes anything like me
He'll probably stay out to late and drive his car to fast
Get a speeding ticket he'll pay for mowing grass
Hes gonna get caught skippin class and be ground for a week
Hes gonna get in trouble we're gonna get in fights
Im gonna lose my temper and some sleep
Its safe to say that im gonna get my pay back if hes anything like me
Hes gonna love me and hate me along the way
Years are gonna fly by I already dread the day
Hes gonna hug hes momma hes gonna shake my hand
Hes gonna act like he cant wait to leave
But as he drives out he'll cry hes eyes out
If hes anything like me,
There's worse folks to be like,
Aw he'll be alright if hes anything like me
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Results
Test results from my OB/GYN are back. Another abnormal test. I'm scheduled for a colposcopy and biopsy on September 22. More later....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Randomness
I'll never understand the workings of the human heart, at least not completely. I'll never understand how it's possible to feel so much and so little at the same time or how it's possible to feel so much for two incredible people as opposed to just one. I know all of that might seem a little confusing and that's okay, I don't feel the need to explain really. I guess I'm just confused by the way love and life work sometimes. I always remember a quote from the movie 'Me, Myself and Irene' at times like these..."I guess the heart just wants what the heart wants." It's so true. However, sometimes figuring out exactly what it is our heart wants....well that's the hard part. We'll leave it at that.
Sometimes in life, it's so hard to figure out the next step and if the choice you're making is the right one. I don't think we ever REALLY know. After all, most decisions people make are based on all we know at the time. There will always be things we don't know that could've helped us to make different choices. Just to take a glance into the future....it'd make things so much easier. We only live once, we all want to make the right choices and decisions, and I think we all wish there was a way to know if the things we choose or decide will work out for the best. I think life puts things in front of us for a reason, every single thing. Every person, every event is meant to help us see or choose where we want to or are meant to be. Sometimes I wonder if the things we want are really the things that we need and vice versa. I guess there's never any way to be REALLY sure. Wouldn't it be nice if there was?
Something else I don't understand is the way certain people choose to make their lives so dramatic. I used to be like that. I wasted so much time on it because at one time I thought all of these little things were SO important. I thought that peoples opinions and the things they said or did mattered SO much. Sometimes, when you take a step back it's easy to see that really, those people and their thoughts and words don't matter at all. That if things in your life have to be so dramatic it might be better just to take a few steps back. I don't think some people will ever understand that. I think that a lot of times people thrive on the attention and the drama and get so caught up in it that they fail to see what really matters and what's really important. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. It's how many of these 'assholes' we let influence our lives that's important. Personally, I'd rather not have any other than my own to deal with.
I ran into someone this past weekend that I haven't seen in a while. They shared a few things about their life with me that were definitely a surprise. I found out things, about people who have constantly criticized me, that absolutely floored me. Here, I was being lectured about the way I chose to live my life or the decisions I made from these people with this holier than thou attitude and come to find out...the things they'd been doing that they hadn't talked about, the way things REALLY are in their lives as opposed to the way they'd like people to believe they are, the way the people around them REALLY behave and what they're involved in....let's just say that overall, my hands are pretty clean. Now, I'm not judging. We all make our own choices, our own beds to lie in and Lord knows, I'm far from perfect and my 'bed' is rarely ever 'made' for lack of a better term BUT I also never took time out of my day to go above and beyond to criticize these people to make myself feel better. However, I guess if I was doing the things they were/are I would want to hide it the best way I could too, and I'd probably think the best way was to start pointing out everyone elses flaws before I took the time to look at my own which are, by comparison, much worse.
Sometimes in life, it's so hard to figure out the next step and if the choice you're making is the right one. I don't think we ever REALLY know. After all, most decisions people make are based on all we know at the time. There will always be things we don't know that could've helped us to make different choices. Just to take a glance into the future....it'd make things so much easier. We only live once, we all want to make the right choices and decisions, and I think we all wish there was a way to know if the things we choose or decide will work out for the best. I think life puts things in front of us for a reason, every single thing. Every person, every event is meant to help us see or choose where we want to or are meant to be. Sometimes I wonder if the things we want are really the things that we need and vice versa. I guess there's never any way to be REALLY sure. Wouldn't it be nice if there was?
Something else I don't understand is the way certain people choose to make their lives so dramatic. I used to be like that. I wasted so much time on it because at one time I thought all of these little things were SO important. I thought that peoples opinions and the things they said or did mattered SO much. Sometimes, when you take a step back it's easy to see that really, those people and their thoughts and words don't matter at all. That if things in your life have to be so dramatic it might be better just to take a few steps back. I don't think some people will ever understand that. I think that a lot of times people thrive on the attention and the drama and get so caught up in it that they fail to see what really matters and what's really important. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. It's how many of these 'assholes' we let influence our lives that's important. Personally, I'd rather not have any other than my own to deal with.
I ran into someone this past weekend that I haven't seen in a while. They shared a few things about their life with me that were definitely a surprise. I found out things, about people who have constantly criticized me, that absolutely floored me. Here, I was being lectured about the way I chose to live my life or the decisions I made from these people with this holier than thou attitude and come to find out...the things they'd been doing that they hadn't talked about, the way things REALLY are in their lives as opposed to the way they'd like people to believe they are, the way the people around them REALLY behave and what they're involved in....let's just say that overall, my hands are pretty clean. Now, I'm not judging. We all make our own choices, our own beds to lie in and Lord knows, I'm far from perfect and my 'bed' is rarely ever 'made' for lack of a better term BUT I also never took time out of my day to go above and beyond to criticize these people to make myself feel better. However, I guess if I was doing the things they were/are I would want to hide it the best way I could too, and I'd probably think the best way was to start pointing out everyone elses flaws before I took the time to look at my own which are, by comparison, much worse.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Out With The Old, In With The New
Traditionally, fall is a time of change and this fall will be no different for me. There are going to be a lot of HUGE changes.
This morning I got a phone call that spurred me into action so to speak to start my 'future planning'. So, in light of that I've come to a ton of decisions (this seems to be a theme lately).
I can't go too much into the first change for a lot of reasons but suffice to say I'll be staying a bit closer to Clarksville which will be nice. I'm in the process of taking the steps to make that happen as I type. It's probably a month or so off but that gives me more time to prepare everything that will need to be done before that happens.
Next, I'll probably be trying to find a more stable job that offers me the same income every paycheck instead of guesstimating how much I'll be making every month. I'll admit the thought of getting a 'real' job again is slightly daunting but how hard can it be? I've worked since I was 15 at a real job except for these last three years where I only had one on and off. It shouldn't be too hard to get back into the swing of that. I'm almost kind of excited.
All of this because in reality, I want a REAL life again. I don't want to have to spend my days cleaning up one mess after the other or fixing one fence after another all by myself anymore. I want to enjoy time with my son and continue to enjoy life and I don't want a huge house to have to maintain day after day after day. I want simple and so that's what I'm going for.
Right now, I have to go but I will write more later. I just had to share my excitement!
This morning I got a phone call that spurred me into action so to speak to start my 'future planning'. So, in light of that I've come to a ton of decisions (this seems to be a theme lately).
I can't go too much into the first change for a lot of reasons but suffice to say I'll be staying a bit closer to Clarksville which will be nice. I'm in the process of taking the steps to make that happen as I type. It's probably a month or so off but that gives me more time to prepare everything that will need to be done before that happens.
Next, I'll probably be trying to find a more stable job that offers me the same income every paycheck instead of guesstimating how much I'll be making every month. I'll admit the thought of getting a 'real' job again is slightly daunting but how hard can it be? I've worked since I was 15 at a real job except for these last three years where I only had one on and off. It shouldn't be too hard to get back into the swing of that. I'm almost kind of excited.
All of this because in reality, I want a REAL life again. I don't want to have to spend my days cleaning up one mess after the other or fixing one fence after another all by myself anymore. I want to enjoy time with my son and continue to enjoy life and I don't want a huge house to have to maintain day after day after day. I want simple and so that's what I'm going for.
Right now, I have to go but I will write more later. I just had to share my excitement!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Soundtrack Of My Life
Kind of a fun idea someone just brought up to me...
We were discussing how music is a really powerful thing and how simply hearing a song can bring you back to certain moments in time when you associated that song with your life or a time when maybe you heard a song and whatever you were doing at that moment comes back to you whenever you hear it now. So, I jokingly was talking about the 'soundtrack of our lives' this summer. Being that fall is less than a month away I figured I'd start this list and I can add to it if I want BUT these are all songs that have been the background for life over the past few months...
Here goes:
Airplanes- B.o.B.
Alcohol- Brad Paisley
All My Friends Say- Luke Bryan
Alright Guy- Gary Allan
Anything, Anywhere- Melissa Ferrick
Apologize- OneRepublic
Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not- Thompson Square
As Good As I Once Was- Toby Keith
As She's Walking Away- Zac Brown Band and Alan Jackson
Best Days Of Your Life- Kellie Pickler
Brand New Girlfriend- Steve Holy
Brokenheartsville- Joe Nichols
California Gurls- DJ X-Change
Can't Take My Eyes Off You- Lady Antebellum
Chicken Fried- Zac Brown Band
You're Gonna Love Me- Chris Young
Collide- Howie Day
Come On Get Higher- Sugarland/Matt Nathanson
Come Pick Me Up- Zac Brown Band
Counting Blue Cars- Dishwalla
Country Man- Luke Bryan
Don't Let Me Get Me- P!nk
Don't Matter- Akon
Don't Stop Believin'- Journey
What I Almost Was- Eric Church
Fearless- Taylor Swift
First Time- Lifehouse
Free- Zac Brown Band
Friends In Low Places- Garth Brooks
She's Every Woman- Garth Brooks
Girl Next Door- Saving Jane
Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt
Guinevere- Eli Young Band
Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse
Hey, Soul Sister- Train
Holding Her and Loving You- Clay Walker
The House That Built Me- Miranda Lambert
I Can't Sleep- Clay Walker
I Keep On Lovin' You- Reba
I'm A Pilot- Dos Gringos
I'm Yours- Jason Mraz
If I Die Young- The Band Perry
If I Had A Million Dollars- Barenaked Ladies
If I Knew Then- Lady Antebellum
Into The Mystic- Van Morrison
Just To Be Your Tear- Tim McGraw
Just Like A Pill- P!nk
Just The Way You Are- Bruno Mars
Kiss 'n' Tell- Ke$ha
Kiss Goodbye- Little Big Town
Laid- Matt Nathanson
Lips Of An Angel- Hinder
Love Me For Me- Bomshel
Love Story- Taylor Swift
Love The Way You Lie- Eminem
More Like Her- Miranda Lambert
Mud On The Tires- Brad Paisley
N Dey Say- Nelly
Need You Now- Lady Antebellum
Nothing Compares 2 U- Sinead O'Connor
Out Last Night- Kenny Chesney
Pray For You- Jaron and The Long Road To Love
Pretty Good At Drinkin' Beer- Billy Currington
The Reason Why- Little Big Town
Red High Heels- Kellie Pickler
Sitting At A Bar- Rehab
Say- John Mayer
Secrets- OneRepublic
She Ain't Right- Lee Brice
Sleeping To Dream- Jason Mraz
Stuck Like Glue- Sugarland
Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond
My Biznitch Is The Shiznit- Tenacious D
What I Love About Sundays- Craig Morgan
Then- Brad Paisley
Thinking Of You- Christian Kane
Tik Tok- Kesha
Today Was A Fairytale- Taylor Swift
Tomorrow- Sean Kingston
Use Somebody- Kings Of Leon
Wal-Mart Flowers- Trailer Choir
Way Out Here- Josh Thompson
Welcome To The Farm- Luke Bryan
What Country Is- Luke Bryan
Whatever It Takes- Lifehouse
When A Man Loves A Woman- Percy Sledge
When Will I Be Loved- Vince Gill
While You're Still Young- Montgomery Gentry
The World's Greatest- R. Kelly
You and Me- Lifehouse
You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift
You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This- Toby Keith
You're Beginning To Get To Me- Clay Walker
Young Forever- Jay-Z
Your Body Is A Wonderland- John Mayer
Your Love Is My Drug- Ke$ha
God Blessed The Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
19 and Crazy- Bomshel
We were discussing how music is a really powerful thing and how simply hearing a song can bring you back to certain moments in time when you associated that song with your life or a time when maybe you heard a song and whatever you were doing at that moment comes back to you whenever you hear it now. So, I jokingly was talking about the 'soundtrack of our lives' this summer. Being that fall is less than a month away I figured I'd start this list and I can add to it if I want BUT these are all songs that have been the background for life over the past few months...
Here goes:
Airplanes- B.o.B.
Alcohol- Brad Paisley
All My Friends Say- Luke Bryan
Alright Guy- Gary Allan
Anything, Anywhere- Melissa Ferrick
Apologize- OneRepublic
Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not- Thompson Square
As Good As I Once Was- Toby Keith
As She's Walking Away- Zac Brown Band and Alan Jackson
Best Days Of Your Life- Kellie Pickler
Brand New Girlfriend- Steve Holy
Brokenheartsville- Joe Nichols
California Gurls- DJ X-Change
Can't Take My Eyes Off You- Lady Antebellum
Chicken Fried- Zac Brown Band
You're Gonna Love Me- Chris Young
Collide- Howie Day
Come On Get Higher- Sugarland/Matt Nathanson
Come Pick Me Up- Zac Brown Band
Counting Blue Cars- Dishwalla
Country Man- Luke Bryan
Don't Let Me Get Me- P!nk
Don't Matter- Akon
Don't Stop Believin'- Journey
What I Almost Was- Eric Church
Fearless- Taylor Swift
First Time- Lifehouse
Free- Zac Brown Band
Friends In Low Places- Garth Brooks
She's Every Woman- Garth Brooks
Girl Next Door- Saving Jane
Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt
Guinevere- Eli Young Band
Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse
Hey, Soul Sister- Train
Holding Her and Loving You- Clay Walker
The House That Built Me- Miranda Lambert
I Can't Sleep- Clay Walker
I Keep On Lovin' You- Reba
I'm A Pilot- Dos Gringos
I'm Yours- Jason Mraz
If I Die Young- The Band Perry
If I Had A Million Dollars- Barenaked Ladies
If I Knew Then- Lady Antebellum
Into The Mystic- Van Morrison
Just To Be Your Tear- Tim McGraw
Just Like A Pill- P!nk
Just The Way You Are- Bruno Mars
Kiss 'n' Tell- Ke$ha
Kiss Goodbye- Little Big Town
Laid- Matt Nathanson
Lips Of An Angel- Hinder
Love Me For Me- Bomshel
Love Story- Taylor Swift
Love The Way You Lie- Eminem
More Like Her- Miranda Lambert
Mud On The Tires- Brad Paisley
N Dey Say- Nelly
Need You Now- Lady Antebellum
Nothing Compares 2 U- Sinead O'Connor
Out Last Night- Kenny Chesney
Pray For You- Jaron and The Long Road To Love
Pretty Good At Drinkin' Beer- Billy Currington
The Reason Why- Little Big Town
Red High Heels- Kellie Pickler
Sitting At A Bar- Rehab
Say- John Mayer
Secrets- OneRepublic
She Ain't Right- Lee Brice
Sleeping To Dream- Jason Mraz
Stuck Like Glue- Sugarland
Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond
My Biznitch Is The Shiznit- Tenacious D
What I Love About Sundays- Craig Morgan
Then- Brad Paisley
Thinking Of You- Christian Kane
Tik Tok- Kesha
Today Was A Fairytale- Taylor Swift
Tomorrow- Sean Kingston
Use Somebody- Kings Of Leon
Wal-Mart Flowers- Trailer Choir
Way Out Here- Josh Thompson
Welcome To The Farm- Luke Bryan
What Country Is- Luke Bryan
Whatever It Takes- Lifehouse
When A Man Loves A Woman- Percy Sledge
When Will I Be Loved- Vince Gill
While You're Still Young- Montgomery Gentry
The World's Greatest- R. Kelly
You and Me- Lifehouse
You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift
You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This- Toby Keith
You're Beginning To Get To Me- Clay Walker
Young Forever- Jay-Z
Your Body Is A Wonderland- John Mayer
Your Love Is My Drug- Ke$ha
God Blessed The Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
19 and Crazy- Bomshel
It Goes On
Robert Frost said, "I can sum up everything I've learned about life in three words, IT GOES ON."
I've given a lot of thought to that quote over the past few days and it's so true. No matter what we do, or our best laid plans, or how things may fall apart, at the end of the day the world isn't going to stop. It's going to keep on turning with or without us and life will continue in one way shape or form.
When things in our life are changing so much and so rapidly and we make choices that lead us into new and maybe uncharted territory I think it's so easy to be afraid that if we mess up everything will change, that life will change, it will all end if we make the wrong choice. In reality, life will go on and we only have two choices at that point, sink or swim. I tend to be a swimmer but I've realized a lot of people aren't. I've watched things happen in my friends lives over these past few weeks and some of them have picked up and carried on and found a way to get through, to survive. Others have sank and wallowed in self pity, insane actions and cries for attention because they're not strong enough people to 'do life' on their own.
I never really understood that. I mean we all have weak moments. We all fall, we all need help or a shoulder or a hand to hold sometimes but to be completely helpless on your own or even to act that way all the time, I would think demeans a human being. Men have this problem too sometimes but I find that it is worse for women.
At times, I look at the way I was raised (by a very independent, strong willed, do it yourself kind of Mom) and I wish things had been different BUT then I realize all of the things she taught me by being the way that she was and is and all that she still teaches me. Not to mention my seemingly quiet, demure, soft spoken Grandmother who was anything but ; ) That woman was smarter than most people with PhD's that I've met. That being said I was raised by some incredibly strong and just plain incredible women and it shaped me into the kind of person that I am. If you add life experiences into that basic upbringing what I have lived through has given me a pretty iron will and sense of independence.
I think it's important that I teach my son to stand on his own, speak his mind, stand up for what he believes, etc. Since he's just like me already I don't think he'll have much of an issue doing any of those things. However, if I'm ever blessed enough to have a daughter her lessons will be very different. I watch women every day who can't survive, on their own or at least they think they can't, without a man. It makes me sad. Why did these mothers never teach their daughters that you don't NEED a man to have a rich, successful and happy life? Sure it's nice, everyone wants a partner. BUT, if one day that husband walks out I want to know that I've taught my daughter to stand on her own two feet and close the door behind him (letting it hit him in the ass of course LOL). I want to know that I've given my daughter the tools and the ability to be a survivor and stand up for herself and to never grovel at the feet of a man begging for him to take her back.
I guess I say all of this because I see certain friends of mine who will have weak moments, think about going back to a life they were fairly miserable with when things get hard, I think that's normal and then I see people I know absolutely lose their world when their husband walks out. To the point they had put themselves AND their child in danger AND threatened suicide among many other INSANE reactions I've witnessed over the past two weeks. Over a man? DEFINITELY not worth it. Sitting in bed, eating a tub of ice cream and crying for a few days= much better response if you must LOL
I'm not laughing and I'm not judging. At one point, I would've to some extent (minus the child in danger and self harm) been that person whose world was absolutely destroyed if someone said 'I don't love you anymore' or 'I'm in love with someone else'. Today, it would obviously still hurt, I'd be sad, I'd be upset but in a few days I'd pick myself up off of the proverbial floor and carry on because there is no other option. When you're a mother and there are other people depending on you, you are forced to sum up life in three words and make it go on.
I guess I just wanted to get that out. The differences in people like me and the other person I've mentioned have been pointed out so much recently and have been so glaringly obvious lately and I think I just pondered what the difference in us could've been in our reactions. People are all different but what makes a woman be okay with being the weaker, more feeble, helpless creature? I am definitely not and I can't even fake it. I tried and I don't wear the look very well LOL I can't do helpless we have all realized because I just get too mad waiting on people to help or they do it wrong and then I get mad and just do it myself LOL
I suppose I should be more sympathetic and all but I find it hard, after what I've endured, mostly alone, for the past almost year to look at someone who can't even handle their own serious matters and have pity. We all make our own beds, we all have to accept the reality of the one we are given to lay in, and in the end...Life: it goes on.
I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean
But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me
Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings
Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman
This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah...
I've given a lot of thought to that quote over the past few days and it's so true. No matter what we do, or our best laid plans, or how things may fall apart, at the end of the day the world isn't going to stop. It's going to keep on turning with or without us and life will continue in one way shape or form.
When things in our life are changing so much and so rapidly and we make choices that lead us into new and maybe uncharted territory I think it's so easy to be afraid that if we mess up everything will change, that life will change, it will all end if we make the wrong choice. In reality, life will go on and we only have two choices at that point, sink or swim. I tend to be a swimmer but I've realized a lot of people aren't. I've watched things happen in my friends lives over these past few weeks and some of them have picked up and carried on and found a way to get through, to survive. Others have sank and wallowed in self pity, insane actions and cries for attention because they're not strong enough people to 'do life' on their own.
I never really understood that. I mean we all have weak moments. We all fall, we all need help or a shoulder or a hand to hold sometimes but to be completely helpless on your own or even to act that way all the time, I would think demeans a human being. Men have this problem too sometimes but I find that it is worse for women.
At times, I look at the way I was raised (by a very independent, strong willed, do it yourself kind of Mom) and I wish things had been different BUT then I realize all of the things she taught me by being the way that she was and is and all that she still teaches me. Not to mention my seemingly quiet, demure, soft spoken Grandmother who was anything but ; ) That woman was smarter than most people with PhD's that I've met. That being said I was raised by some incredibly strong and just plain incredible women and it shaped me into the kind of person that I am. If you add life experiences into that basic upbringing what I have lived through has given me a pretty iron will and sense of independence.
I think it's important that I teach my son to stand on his own, speak his mind, stand up for what he believes, etc. Since he's just like me already I don't think he'll have much of an issue doing any of those things. However, if I'm ever blessed enough to have a daughter her lessons will be very different. I watch women every day who can't survive, on their own or at least they think they can't, without a man. It makes me sad. Why did these mothers never teach their daughters that you don't NEED a man to have a rich, successful and happy life? Sure it's nice, everyone wants a partner. BUT, if one day that husband walks out I want to know that I've taught my daughter to stand on her own two feet and close the door behind him (letting it hit him in the ass of course LOL). I want to know that I've given my daughter the tools and the ability to be a survivor and stand up for herself and to never grovel at the feet of a man begging for him to take her back.
I guess I say all of this because I see certain friends of mine who will have weak moments, think about going back to a life they were fairly miserable with when things get hard, I think that's normal and then I see people I know absolutely lose their world when their husband walks out. To the point they had put themselves AND their child in danger AND threatened suicide among many other INSANE reactions I've witnessed over the past two weeks. Over a man? DEFINITELY not worth it. Sitting in bed, eating a tub of ice cream and crying for a few days= much better response if you must LOL
I'm not laughing and I'm not judging. At one point, I would've to some extent (minus the child in danger and self harm) been that person whose world was absolutely destroyed if someone said 'I don't love you anymore' or 'I'm in love with someone else'. Today, it would obviously still hurt, I'd be sad, I'd be upset but in a few days I'd pick myself up off of the proverbial floor and carry on because there is no other option. When you're a mother and there are other people depending on you, you are forced to sum up life in three words and make it go on.
I guess I just wanted to get that out. The differences in people like me and the other person I've mentioned have been pointed out so much recently and have been so glaringly obvious lately and I think I just pondered what the difference in us could've been in our reactions. People are all different but what makes a woman be okay with being the weaker, more feeble, helpless creature? I am definitely not and I can't even fake it. I tried and I don't wear the look very well LOL I can't do helpless we have all realized because I just get too mad waiting on people to help or they do it wrong and then I get mad and just do it myself LOL
I suppose I should be more sympathetic and all but I find it hard, after what I've endured, mostly alone, for the past almost year to look at someone who can't even handle their own serious matters and have pity. We all make our own beds, we all have to accept the reality of the one we are given to lay in, and in the end...Life: it goes on.
I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean
But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me
Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings
Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman
This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah...
Friday, August 20, 2010
Road Trip Tomorrow!
So, bright and early tomorrow we'll be loading up the car with the kids (Val, Caleb, Tori and I) and visiting the KY Horse Park in Lexington! I've always wanted to go and have yet to be there so we figured this would be a great weekend to do it and thankfully it's cooled off enough we won't be sweltering in the heat. I'm SO excited. It's been way too long since I've been to Lexington and a day in KY seems to be just what the Dr ordered. Especially deep in the heart of horse country. Sunday it's back to reality and work but tomorrow I'm just going to enjoy the day, the drive, the good company and seeing some really cool stuff. In the mean time, off to finish laundry and all of the other house and barn work I need to get done before we leave.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Something To Talk About
"Let's give 'em somethin' to talk about, a little mystery to figure out."
That song seems to pretty much be Val and I's theme song lately LOL I find it kind of funny too. If people knew what ACTUALLY went on behind all of the stories they'd probably be a lot less excited to talk about what they think is going on.
The truth is, that we are just two twenty-something year olds who are at the same place in life and we're muddling through just like a lot of other twenty-somethings who have done the same things before us.
Life, and being happy, is really all a choice. No matter who you're with or around or friends with or what you have...you have to be able to smile at all of the little things and that's what we've been able to do. It's made us much happier people.
I, well actually probably both of us, have learned a lot in these past few months. We've both been judged unfairly for our decisions but it's not really my place to write about the lessons she's learned so I'll just stick with mine. What I have figured out is that in life, there are people who are going to disagree with you or judge you no matter what choices you make. There is always going to be someone who thinks that they can live your life better than you can. Usually, that person is someone who has never been in that situation. It's very easy to look in on people's lives from the outside and feel like you have every answer or solution when in reality you have no idea. You're not living in their world, experiencing their emotions, dealing with what they deal with. We can always say that we'd react differently in certain circumstances but until we're actually there we never know how we will react. Who we are as people, what we've seen in our lives and what we've experienced will determine our reactions and nothing else.
Something else I have learned is that for the first time in a very long time, I don't truly care what others think of me. I have skeletons in my closet, just like the rest of the world. I have made bad choices and decisions in the past but it's how I have reacted to them as of late and the choices I've made because of them and what I've learned from them that really has been what mattered.
There was a time in my life, and not very long ago, when I felt the need to sit and discuss everyone elses problems or lives or shortcomings or whatever. Then I got so busy LIVING my OWN life that I no longer had time to care about or ponder or criticize theirs. What a freedom that gives someone. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." I understand now, the wisdom and truth in her words. How much of life I missed out on giving one shit too many about other people.
I always wondered why people did that. I think it helps to make them feel better about themselves. I think that when someone goes from miserable to happy it just adds fuel to the rumor fire or maybe it's just jealousy. A natural reaction? Either way, I've moved beyond it. I find that the older I get the more of a peaceful, yet exciting and happy life I want to lead. I've found a lot of things that make me happy, mostly about myself, some having to do with other people. I've started being spontaneous and random again, I've started really being me again.
I've been redecorating my house. That has made me happy. I've wanted to do it since I've been here and I finally got the motivation. It's coming really well. Slowly but surely because of course I can't just go drop a bazillion dollars on stuff that I want but it's getting there one room at a time. It makes me happy to walk into my bedroom and see it nicely decorated and clean. It makes me happy to walk into the kitchen and see the same. It's nothing really huge, just little touches but they've made a world of difference. Plus, with Val living here and people constantly in and out having everything organized has made it much easier to keep clean even with the constant traffic.
Another thing that has made me really happy is having Val around. I've had a lot of great friends, a lot of good friends, a lot of okay friends but Val has lately be an amazingly TRUE friend, at least that's a female. The others among the people who are my true friends know who they are but they've known that for a while now = ) It's nice to have someone like that around all the time to keep me in check.
There are a few other things that have made me really happy lately. The horses getting better, money getting better, new people I've met, new friends I've made and of course, my son and watching him grow older and learn things.
Life, is for the first time in a long time, really amazing. I work at making it that way. Anyone who doesn't agree with what I do or how I have changed things is probably miserable with some part of their lives or themselves best I can figure. Or maybe they're just upset they lack the motivation or courage to set out on a totally different path with help from no one but themselves and start living their own lives. It's scary but it's an amazing ride so far. I think that I can safely say, I've finally REALLY grown up, in the last way that there is to grow as a person. My life is complete for the first time and I know I can handle whatever comes next because of what I have lived through so far.
Enough rambling for now I suppose. Time to make dinner for three awesome people in my life = ) then spend the night watching movies and enjoying a cold beer while Val and I discuss plans for the coming year.
That song seems to pretty much be Val and I's theme song lately LOL I find it kind of funny too. If people knew what ACTUALLY went on behind all of the stories they'd probably be a lot less excited to talk about what they think is going on.
The truth is, that we are just two twenty-something year olds who are at the same place in life and we're muddling through just like a lot of other twenty-somethings who have done the same things before us.
Life, and being happy, is really all a choice. No matter who you're with or around or friends with or what you have...you have to be able to smile at all of the little things and that's what we've been able to do. It's made us much happier people.
I, well actually probably both of us, have learned a lot in these past few months. We've both been judged unfairly for our decisions but it's not really my place to write about the lessons she's learned so I'll just stick with mine. What I have figured out is that in life, there are people who are going to disagree with you or judge you no matter what choices you make. There is always going to be someone who thinks that they can live your life better than you can. Usually, that person is someone who has never been in that situation. It's very easy to look in on people's lives from the outside and feel like you have every answer or solution when in reality you have no idea. You're not living in their world, experiencing their emotions, dealing with what they deal with. We can always say that we'd react differently in certain circumstances but until we're actually there we never know how we will react. Who we are as people, what we've seen in our lives and what we've experienced will determine our reactions and nothing else.
Something else I have learned is that for the first time in a very long time, I don't truly care what others think of me. I have skeletons in my closet, just like the rest of the world. I have made bad choices and decisions in the past but it's how I have reacted to them as of late and the choices I've made because of them and what I've learned from them that really has been what mattered.
There was a time in my life, and not very long ago, when I felt the need to sit and discuss everyone elses problems or lives or shortcomings or whatever. Then I got so busy LIVING my OWN life that I no longer had time to care about or ponder or criticize theirs. What a freedom that gives someone. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." I understand now, the wisdom and truth in her words. How much of life I missed out on giving one shit too many about other people.
I always wondered why people did that. I think it helps to make them feel better about themselves. I think that when someone goes from miserable to happy it just adds fuel to the rumor fire or maybe it's just jealousy. A natural reaction? Either way, I've moved beyond it. I find that the older I get the more of a peaceful, yet exciting and happy life I want to lead. I've found a lot of things that make me happy, mostly about myself, some having to do with other people. I've started being spontaneous and random again, I've started really being me again.
I've been redecorating my house. That has made me happy. I've wanted to do it since I've been here and I finally got the motivation. It's coming really well. Slowly but surely because of course I can't just go drop a bazillion dollars on stuff that I want but it's getting there one room at a time. It makes me happy to walk into my bedroom and see it nicely decorated and clean. It makes me happy to walk into the kitchen and see the same. It's nothing really huge, just little touches but they've made a world of difference. Plus, with Val living here and people constantly in and out having everything organized has made it much easier to keep clean even with the constant traffic.
Another thing that has made me really happy is having Val around. I've had a lot of great friends, a lot of good friends, a lot of okay friends but Val has lately be an amazingly TRUE friend, at least that's a female. The others among the people who are my true friends know who they are but they've known that for a while now = ) It's nice to have someone like that around all the time to keep me in check.
There are a few other things that have made me really happy lately. The horses getting better, money getting better, new people I've met, new friends I've made and of course, my son and watching him grow older and learn things.
Life, is for the first time in a long time, really amazing. I work at making it that way. Anyone who doesn't agree with what I do or how I have changed things is probably miserable with some part of their lives or themselves best I can figure. Or maybe they're just upset they lack the motivation or courage to set out on a totally different path with help from no one but themselves and start living their own lives. It's scary but it's an amazing ride so far. I think that I can safely say, I've finally REALLY grown up, in the last way that there is to grow as a person. My life is complete for the first time and I know I can handle whatever comes next because of what I have lived through so far.
Enough rambling for now I suppose. Time to make dinner for three awesome people in my life = ) then spend the night watching movies and enjoying a cold beer while Val and I discuss plans for the coming year.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Happiness
The best part of being really happy: No one and nothing can bring you down.
I'm at such an awesome place in my life right now, things have really come together the past few days. Letting go of certain things and starting fresh with others. AND having the HONESTY and the BALLS to do both LOL
I'm not gonna lie and say it hasn't been hard, because it has. However, the rewards are well worth all of it.
I could say so much. I have so much to say. I think it's all better reserved for another time and place. However, what I can say is this...there are certain things in life that are just meant to be, and when you find them you hold on tight and get ready for the wild ride, because it's all worth it.
ONE single day can change so many things in our lives. The changes that happen in a day are amazing as well. And wow, it's been a great day.
My choices as of late have helped to make myself, and ALL of those in my life, the happiest we've been in a very long time. Who could really ask for more?
Well, time for me to go to bed. I have a very special person to make dinner for tomorrow (aka Val lol love ya) since it's my turn to cook, but before all of that it's grocery shopping, the gym, barn chores and who knows what else.
Heard this song twice today and it just seemed appropriate...
I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
"Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything
And for someone special:
There's somethin' 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot, yeah
We're drivin' down the road, I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly makin' me want you
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
So baby drive slow 'til we run out of road
In this one horse town, I wanna stay right here
In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me
In this moment, now capture it, remember it
'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
Well, you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake, I'm not usually this way
But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin'
It's fearless
'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
I'm at such an awesome place in my life right now, things have really come together the past few days. Letting go of certain things and starting fresh with others. AND having the HONESTY and the BALLS to do both LOL
I'm not gonna lie and say it hasn't been hard, because it has. However, the rewards are well worth all of it.
I could say so much. I have so much to say. I think it's all better reserved for another time and place. However, what I can say is this...there are certain things in life that are just meant to be, and when you find them you hold on tight and get ready for the wild ride, because it's all worth it.
ONE single day can change so many things in our lives. The changes that happen in a day are amazing as well. And wow, it's been a great day.
My choices as of late have helped to make myself, and ALL of those in my life, the happiest we've been in a very long time. Who could really ask for more?
Well, time for me to go to bed. I have a very special person to make dinner for tomorrow (aka Val lol love ya) since it's my turn to cook, but before all of that it's grocery shopping, the gym, barn chores and who knows what else.
Heard this song twice today and it just seemed appropriate...
I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
"Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything
And for someone special:
There's somethin' 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot, yeah
We're drivin' down the road, I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly makin' me want you
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
So baby drive slow 'til we run out of road
In this one horse town, I wanna stay right here
In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me
In this moment, now capture it, remember it
'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
Well, you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake, I'm not usually this way
But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin'
It's fearless
'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Long Day Ahead
So, I need to be awake at 0400 to drive Val to work. While she's at PT I'll be at the gym, then off to pick her up and take her to shower and change and get ready for work. Once I drop her off it's off to the OB/GYN to pick up my medical records to take to the new, and hopefully more competent Doctor I'll be seeing on the 26th, and then to the eye doctor to pick up a prescription.
Once I get back home it'll be non stop here until I pick Caleb up from Mom and then maybe both of us can get a nap. I also have hay deliveries, clients to talk to, lots of things going on tomorrow. OY!
But....I know, because of working out and getting things done and someone pretty special, I'll be smiling all day no matter how tired or busy I am.
Once I get back home it'll be non stop here until I pick Caleb up from Mom and then maybe both of us can get a nap. I also have hay deliveries, clients to talk to, lots of things going on tomorrow. OY!
But....I know, because of working out and getting things done and someone pretty special, I'll be smiling all day no matter how tired or busy I am.
Monday, August 9, 2010
New Plans
I'm so excited about all of the new plans taking place and things happening in my life and business right now and it's all just happened in the past four days. Everything is falling in to place which further proves that when you're happy and focused NOTHING is beyond your reach. Here's to the rest of the year being a great one filled with great people, great horses, great times and memories that are going to last a lifetime.
Thoughts
Friends.
I've met a lot of people I thought were worthy of the title. They weren't. I'm glad to be done with them. Sometimes, we invite people into, or back into, our lives without realizing that there was a reason they left our lives in the first place and it was probably a pretty good one.
FRIENDS are there, good AND bad. They stick by you and even if they don't always agree with your decisions they SUPPORT you because they love YOU for YOU. It's a hard concept to understand for people I'm sure. When things go wrong in someones life that make a huge impact on them it should be understood that they're going through a hard time. During hard times who else do we have to lean on but our friends? Apparently, to some people, everyone should put on a fake smile and act like everything is sunshine and roses. THAT is OBVIOUSLY the solution. Maybe people who expect that from their FRIENDS should do it more often. Maybe those who think their friends should change their lives should start with their own.
Next, I'm entitled to bitch and whine. I'm entitled to change my mind. I'm entitled to feel however I want about whoever I want and I don't need anyone's approval because last time I checked, I was an ADULT. My decisions are just that...MINE. I feel sorry for people who have no passion in life. Who can't understand what it means to REALLY live. I can tell you this, LIFE, real life, is not in your routines or your silly books or your TV shows or anything else, it's in the amount of living that you do, in the passion you feel for the things you do and in the people you choose to surround yourself with. Maybe if I allowed my life to be dull and boring it'd be easier, but then...I wouldn't really be living.
I remember when I was young and ignorant and took my first steps into the world on my own. It fills you with a confidence and bravado that you'll only feel once because pretty soon, life will, at some point, knock you on your ass and take you down quite a few notches. The reality is that life can be cruel but it can also be beautiful, if you give it a chance. I remember, when I was in college for a short time, I thought I was better than everyone. I was getting an education, I was going to have a big career and I was going to do all of these wonderful things. They were good goals, my choices took me down a different path but it's not one I regret because had I not taken it, I would've lost myself in books and my small little college world and never seen the bigger picture. And trust me, there is a WAY bigger picture out there. Don't get me wrong. Education is a wonderful thing, maybe some day I will feel the need to finish mine, but so many people get lost in books that they forget in the real world, all of those things you learned in books won't apply. Not everyone is a statistic, not everyone is a number or a story on a page. People are real, breathing, evolving, feeling beings and THAT can never be captured on a page.
The real lessons in life aren't in books, they're not learned by 'doing it on your own' when you still have help from others, they're not learned by having spent years under your parents roof being supported by them. They're learned when for the first time, you wake up and realize that you are truly and utterly able to depend on no one but yourself for anything that you need. Those bills that come? Eventually, there's no one else to pay them, there's no family to bail you out, there's no back up plan, it is what it is and you are responsible for your survival. THAT is when real life starts. When the fantasy of CHILDHOOD ends and the real world slaps you in the face and my God what an awesome feeling it is. When you survive that, then you've learned something about the world the way it REALLY is.
I think that overall, I'm a good person. Am I perfect? Hell no. I've made mistakes, I've made bad choices and I can't say I'm always proud of everything I've done. However, I've also done a lot of things right, made a lot of great choices and am proud of what I have done and survived in my life. I could list all of those things here, but why bother. I know them, the people who MATTER know them, that's all that counts. I wish my biggest problems in life were as simple as losing a few pounds (which should probably be a priority for me lol) or what I'm missing out on if the internet is down. No one, except those closest and I mean closest, to me will ever have ANY idea of my biggest problems. Trust me kids, I wish YOUR problems were my biggest issues. LOL I'd breeze through the day. I'm aware that to a certain extent we create some of our problems ourselves, at least I take responsibility for them. I'm aware of my mistakes, I may choose to learn from them, I may not, either way it's my choice. Unless you know WHY I choose to do those things, or understand the level of stress I've been under (which is incomprehensible to most because they're not now, nor have ever been in my shoes) it's not really your place to say anything about it. Maybe my 'problems' seem small to other people but when they affect the basis of my entire world they are anything but small. Kind of like everyone elses biggest problems. Think about it. Hard.
I guess there is really no point to this whole blog other than to say that despite everything, no one can bring me down. So, you don't agree with my choices? My life? My parenting? My spending habits? My job choice? My choice in friends? Any or every part of my life or who I am or choose to be? LOL What makes you think I give a damn? I am the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS. NO one is responsible for that other than me. I spent WAY too long pleasing EVERYONE but me. I was trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect housewife, the perfect everything. Newsflash: I'm not and I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be perfect and I never thought of any of those things, except motherhood, as the biggest priority in my life. I don't live for other people anymore. I live for ME and my son. I can't even describe how much of an amazing feeling that is. Do YOU wake up smiling every day? Sure, I have bad days, the whole world does. Just because things may be rocky with certain people in my life doesn't mean I don't still love every bit of them for who they are, even if that may not fit with who I am. I'm on cloud 9 and it's not about anyone or anything, it's about ME. It's about taking time to realize what life is REALLY about because in the end, the things that will matter was the time you put in, the passion you felt for life, the people you met, the things you did, the life you led....not what you read about.
When you REALLY grow up, you stop asking for peoples approval or caring about it. That, in and of itself, seems to make people think you've lost your mind or you're being childish. In reality, when you're secure enough in yourself to, for the first time in a long time or ever, not give a damn what people will think, THAT is when you've grown up. That is when you've learned that the choices that people will approve of or like aren't always the best for you.
These are all just thoughts running through my head. Some people will never understand them. They'll think I'm talking about someone or something, maybe seeing similarities between what I've written and their lives will strike a chord will either inspire or offend them. When it comes down to it, I don't care any more. I'm past it all. I stopped caring about peoples opinions the day I decided, a little over a month ago, to turn my world up side down. It was the best thing I ever did. I don't take for granted ANYTHING I have because I BUSTED my ass for it, my HUSBAND busted HIS ass for it, I didn't ask mommy or daddy. WE did it on our own. Did we have help sometimes? Of course. But constantly no? Until someone has really earned anything, they'll probably never understand.
This is me. I'm loud, I'm obnoxious at times (okay, most of the time), I have no filter between my thoughts and my mouth. I can be rude, self-centered, a bit out of hand, reckless, impulsive, indecisive and annoying. On the other hand I can be a great listener, a caring friend (to those who matter), a helping hand, a good person, an honest sounding board, a hard worker, etc. I love every bit of me for me. So, because of that, a few extra pounds or a crappy hair color, or clothes that aren't necessarily 'in style' don't matter (even though I'd like to be thin and have great hair and awesome clothes lol).
I love EVERY part of my crazy life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And for once, I am completely content. So....if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass = )
I've met a lot of people I thought were worthy of the title. They weren't. I'm glad to be done with them. Sometimes, we invite people into, or back into, our lives without realizing that there was a reason they left our lives in the first place and it was probably a pretty good one.
FRIENDS are there, good AND bad. They stick by you and even if they don't always agree with your decisions they SUPPORT you because they love YOU for YOU. It's a hard concept to understand for people I'm sure. When things go wrong in someones life that make a huge impact on them it should be understood that they're going through a hard time. During hard times who else do we have to lean on but our friends? Apparently, to some people, everyone should put on a fake smile and act like everything is sunshine and roses. THAT is OBVIOUSLY the solution. Maybe people who expect that from their FRIENDS should do it more often. Maybe those who think their friends should change their lives should start with their own.
Next, I'm entitled to bitch and whine. I'm entitled to change my mind. I'm entitled to feel however I want about whoever I want and I don't need anyone's approval because last time I checked, I was an ADULT. My decisions are just that...MINE. I feel sorry for people who have no passion in life. Who can't understand what it means to REALLY live. I can tell you this, LIFE, real life, is not in your routines or your silly books or your TV shows or anything else, it's in the amount of living that you do, in the passion you feel for the things you do and in the people you choose to surround yourself with. Maybe if I allowed my life to be dull and boring it'd be easier, but then...I wouldn't really be living.
I remember when I was young and ignorant and took my first steps into the world on my own. It fills you with a confidence and bravado that you'll only feel once because pretty soon, life will, at some point, knock you on your ass and take you down quite a few notches. The reality is that life can be cruel but it can also be beautiful, if you give it a chance. I remember, when I was in college for a short time, I thought I was better than everyone. I was getting an education, I was going to have a big career and I was going to do all of these wonderful things. They were good goals, my choices took me down a different path but it's not one I regret because had I not taken it, I would've lost myself in books and my small little college world and never seen the bigger picture. And trust me, there is a WAY bigger picture out there. Don't get me wrong. Education is a wonderful thing, maybe some day I will feel the need to finish mine, but so many people get lost in books that they forget in the real world, all of those things you learned in books won't apply. Not everyone is a statistic, not everyone is a number or a story on a page. People are real, breathing, evolving, feeling beings and THAT can never be captured on a page.
The real lessons in life aren't in books, they're not learned by 'doing it on your own' when you still have help from others, they're not learned by having spent years under your parents roof being supported by them. They're learned when for the first time, you wake up and realize that you are truly and utterly able to depend on no one but yourself for anything that you need. Those bills that come? Eventually, there's no one else to pay them, there's no family to bail you out, there's no back up plan, it is what it is and you are responsible for your survival. THAT is when real life starts. When the fantasy of CHILDHOOD ends and the real world slaps you in the face and my God what an awesome feeling it is. When you survive that, then you've learned something about the world the way it REALLY is.
I think that overall, I'm a good person. Am I perfect? Hell no. I've made mistakes, I've made bad choices and I can't say I'm always proud of everything I've done. However, I've also done a lot of things right, made a lot of great choices and am proud of what I have done and survived in my life. I could list all of those things here, but why bother. I know them, the people who MATTER know them, that's all that counts. I wish my biggest problems in life were as simple as losing a few pounds (which should probably be a priority for me lol) or what I'm missing out on if the internet is down. No one, except those closest and I mean closest, to me will ever have ANY idea of my biggest problems. Trust me kids, I wish YOUR problems were my biggest issues. LOL I'd breeze through the day. I'm aware that to a certain extent we create some of our problems ourselves, at least I take responsibility for them. I'm aware of my mistakes, I may choose to learn from them, I may not, either way it's my choice. Unless you know WHY I choose to do those things, or understand the level of stress I've been under (which is incomprehensible to most because they're not now, nor have ever been in my shoes) it's not really your place to say anything about it. Maybe my 'problems' seem small to other people but when they affect the basis of my entire world they are anything but small. Kind of like everyone elses biggest problems. Think about it. Hard.
I guess there is really no point to this whole blog other than to say that despite everything, no one can bring me down. So, you don't agree with my choices? My life? My parenting? My spending habits? My job choice? My choice in friends? Any or every part of my life or who I am or choose to be? LOL What makes you think I give a damn? I am the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS. NO one is responsible for that other than me. I spent WAY too long pleasing EVERYONE but me. I was trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect housewife, the perfect everything. Newsflash: I'm not and I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be perfect and I never thought of any of those things, except motherhood, as the biggest priority in my life. I don't live for other people anymore. I live for ME and my son. I can't even describe how much of an amazing feeling that is. Do YOU wake up smiling every day? Sure, I have bad days, the whole world does. Just because things may be rocky with certain people in my life doesn't mean I don't still love every bit of them for who they are, even if that may not fit with who I am. I'm on cloud 9 and it's not about anyone or anything, it's about ME. It's about taking time to realize what life is REALLY about because in the end, the things that will matter was the time you put in, the passion you felt for life, the people you met, the things you did, the life you led....not what you read about.
When you REALLY grow up, you stop asking for peoples approval or caring about it. That, in and of itself, seems to make people think you've lost your mind or you're being childish. In reality, when you're secure enough in yourself to, for the first time in a long time or ever, not give a damn what people will think, THAT is when you've grown up. That is when you've learned that the choices that people will approve of or like aren't always the best for you.
These are all just thoughts running through my head. Some people will never understand them. They'll think I'm talking about someone or something, maybe seeing similarities between what I've written and their lives will strike a chord will either inspire or offend them. When it comes down to it, I don't care any more. I'm past it all. I stopped caring about peoples opinions the day I decided, a little over a month ago, to turn my world up side down. It was the best thing I ever did. I don't take for granted ANYTHING I have because I BUSTED my ass for it, my HUSBAND busted HIS ass for it, I didn't ask mommy or daddy. WE did it on our own. Did we have help sometimes? Of course. But constantly no? Until someone has really earned anything, they'll probably never understand.
This is me. I'm loud, I'm obnoxious at times (okay, most of the time), I have no filter between my thoughts and my mouth. I can be rude, self-centered, a bit out of hand, reckless, impulsive, indecisive and annoying. On the other hand I can be a great listener, a caring friend (to those who matter), a helping hand, a good person, an honest sounding board, a hard worker, etc. I love every bit of me for me. So, because of that, a few extra pounds or a crappy hair color, or clothes that aren't necessarily 'in style' don't matter (even though I'd like to be thin and have great hair and awesome clothes lol).
I love EVERY part of my crazy life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And for once, I am completely content. So....if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass = )
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Phone Calls
Today, as I was sitting at the Doctors office with my son, I received a phone call from my OB/GYN's office. They were wanting to check in to see why I hadn't had a follow up, after a few questions (since I hadn't been to the office since Feb. of '09 and had missed my last appointment) I was informed that my last pap smear had come back showing abnormal cells and apparently no one had felt the need to contact me until now. It was an 'oversight' and an 'error' for which they apologized once and then told me I needed to make an appointment to be seen and have another pap done IMMEDIATELY. Well, that's great news to get over the phone. Thank you for waiting since February of 2009 to tell me that something could seriously be wrong with me. Of course, it could also be nothing. A bad test, an error, no big deal. Got it. However, there is always the possibility it's something more and that's a scary thing, especially when now it's been left unattended for over a year and a half. I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm scared and again, I'm dealing with it 'alone'.
Of course, I have awesome friends who care and who were there for me after I got the call today and a great new friend who even offered to go to the Doctors office with me if I was too scared to go alone. I might be, I don't know yet. However, again, during scary and important times my husband is absent. I know it's not his fault, he tries the best he can, he contacted me as soon as he saw my message about what was going on but a nice word from halfway around the world sometimes just doesn't cut it. I want someone to hold me, and tell me it's ok and hold my hand during the test and when I get the results and holding a phone and reading words on a screen, again just doesn't seem like enough. Such is the life of an Army wife I guess, but sometimes, I feel like I forgot what/who I was waiting for. I'll admit it, my marriage might be falling apart, maybe I'm letting it. Maybe my life is falling apart, but it only feels like it's falling together.
This has been the hardest, but possibly best, year of my life. It's really amazing. I have overcome things that I thought I could never deal with and I've done it on my own, with the help of some friends and managed to keep it all together, for the most part. It's an amazing feeling. I have spent the last month smiling even when things have been terrible. Can anyone really ask for more than that? I know there are those who judge the decisions I make harshly, they can't understand and I suspect they never will until they've been where I have been. I have honestly started to find myself again. That's been a priceless gift.
Today, when I faced the worst case scenario of these test results, which would be cancer, I panicked for a moment and thought 'Oh my God, what if I die? What about everything I will have missed?' and for the first time, in a very long time, I knew that if I were to die tomorrow, God forbid, I wouldn't feel like there was anything I'd left undone because I'm living life to the fullest. It's amazing. I love it. That is all.
This song might sum it up best:
"I tend to laugh just a little too loud,
What's on my mind usually comes out my mouth
I've never been one to blend in a crowd but I'm okay with that
I lose my keys and I'm constantly late
I'm comfortable a couple pounds overweight
I'm gonna eat when I'm out on a date
Cause that's just who I am
I'm gonna live my life outloud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me.
I love to dance with my two left feet
I'm best friends with whoever I meet
It might hurt the heart I wear on my sleeve
But I will take that chance
One day I might just change the world
I'm gonna do it being just a girl
Who's gonna say things you can't ignore
Cause I love and I believe
I'm gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love
For me.
I'm living my life day by day
And I'm through basing it off what others thinks right
Gonna live my life out loud
Gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me."
Of course, I have awesome friends who care and who were there for me after I got the call today and a great new friend who even offered to go to the Doctors office with me if I was too scared to go alone. I might be, I don't know yet. However, again, during scary and important times my husband is absent. I know it's not his fault, he tries the best he can, he contacted me as soon as he saw my message about what was going on but a nice word from halfway around the world sometimes just doesn't cut it. I want someone to hold me, and tell me it's ok and hold my hand during the test and when I get the results and holding a phone and reading words on a screen, again just doesn't seem like enough. Such is the life of an Army wife I guess, but sometimes, I feel like I forgot what/who I was waiting for. I'll admit it, my marriage might be falling apart, maybe I'm letting it. Maybe my life is falling apart, but it only feels like it's falling together.
This has been the hardest, but possibly best, year of my life. It's really amazing. I have overcome things that I thought I could never deal with and I've done it on my own, with the help of some friends and managed to keep it all together, for the most part. It's an amazing feeling. I have spent the last month smiling even when things have been terrible. Can anyone really ask for more than that? I know there are those who judge the decisions I make harshly, they can't understand and I suspect they never will until they've been where I have been. I have honestly started to find myself again. That's been a priceless gift.
Today, when I faced the worst case scenario of these test results, which would be cancer, I panicked for a moment and thought 'Oh my God, what if I die? What about everything I will have missed?' and for the first time, in a very long time, I knew that if I were to die tomorrow, God forbid, I wouldn't feel like there was anything I'd left undone because I'm living life to the fullest. It's amazing. I love it. That is all.
This song might sum it up best:
"I tend to laugh just a little too loud,
What's on my mind usually comes out my mouth
I've never been one to blend in a crowd but I'm okay with that
I lose my keys and I'm constantly late
I'm comfortable a couple pounds overweight
I'm gonna eat when I'm out on a date
Cause that's just who I am
I'm gonna live my life outloud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me.
I love to dance with my two left feet
I'm best friends with whoever I meet
It might hurt the heart I wear on my sleeve
But I will take that chance
One day I might just change the world
I'm gonna do it being just a girl
Who's gonna say things you can't ignore
Cause I love and I believe
I'm gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love
For me.
I'm living my life day by day
And I'm through basing it off what others thinks right
Gonna live my life out loud
Gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me."
Life Lately
Life lately has been pretty awesome. I've made some great new friends, have the best roommate ever and have been having so much fun. Things feel like they're finally getting back on track, the track I used to be on, just a better version. Who knows where things are going but I'm enjoying the ride. I enjoy waking up with a smile on my face every morning. It's been kind of nice. I'm finally rid of all of the BS and people who caused it and it feels good. Well, off to a Doctors appointment with the kiddo. I'll write more very soon.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Changes....
So, I started the process of making changes that I hope will make me happier in life. They're big, really big, but I don't want to talk about all of them. The basis is this...things change, life changes, people change. On some level though, it all is still really the same.
I have done a lot of soul searching lately. That coupled with brutal honesty will either make everything better or break it apart but either way, I have faith things will work out just the way they're meant to be. Is there really any other option?
For the first time in a VERY long time...I feel alive, I feel like myself, I feel happy, I feel sad....I feel. And THAT is what I have been wanting and missing even if I didn't realize it. And feeling, no pun intended, feels good.
I'll write more later but I had to get that out. I wanted to let people know. At this point, I don't care any more about how others feel about my decisions. We all only get ONE life. There are no repeats, no replays, no do overs or restarts. ONE. And it's what we choose to do with that one that is the most important thing. Making ourselves happy will make those around us happy. My choices are my choices and no one can judge them, until they have walked in my shoes.
I have done a lot of soul searching lately. That coupled with brutal honesty will either make everything better or break it apart but either way, I have faith things will work out just the way they're meant to be. Is there really any other option?
For the first time in a VERY long time...I feel alive, I feel like myself, I feel happy, I feel sad....I feel. And THAT is what I have been wanting and missing even if I didn't realize it. And feeling, no pun intended, feels good.
I'll write more later but I had to get that out. I wanted to let people know. At this point, I don't care any more about how others feel about my decisions. We all only get ONE life. There are no repeats, no replays, no do overs or restarts. ONE. And it's what we choose to do with that one that is the most important thing. Making ourselves happy will make those around us happy. My choices are my choices and no one can judge them, until they have walked in my shoes.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I can't remember...
What it's like to go on a date. The kind where someone picks you up, and opens the car door for you. They take you to dinner, you talk about anything and everything, you go to a movie, you drive home, you're nervous to see if they'll lean in for a kiss...
Can someone please remind me what that was like? I really wish I could remember.
Can someone please remind me what that was like? I really wish I could remember.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Another Day
Apparently, I'm angry. It's not healthy. I guess.....
I'm tired, quite honestly, of people telling me how to fix my problems or that 'you're never given more than you can handle' because they haven't been here over the past few months and they have not felt the pressure that I have or had to struggle as hard as I have to keep things afloat. It's frustrating and yes, I am angry. I have a right to be. Maybe these problems don't seem big to anyone except me but to me they are huge, as they're destroying my entire way of life that I worked for over a year to create.
I have seen the near destruction of my business, faced the loss of one of the greatest horses I've ever had, been through days where we were so broke that I scrounged up change to put gas in my truck. I'm proud to say, through all of this, I managed to always keep everyone fed (myself, my son, the horses and dogs) and keep all of our bills for the most part current. But it's been a hard struggle. One that has overwhelmed me and made me tired and yes, bitter.
Over the past week or two I've tried to take a break. I've tried to rest my mind and though still performing my daily duties, tried to take a break from all that has been going on. However, despite my best efforts, the exhaustion has worn me thin. It's shortened my ability to handle bullshit, complaining and bitching from people who have no idea of the immensity of the situation I faced, and to an extent am still facing. I no longer feel a need to cater to clients. I'm doing my best, if you don't like it then leave. I'm not here to make friends, other than the four legged varieties and that's about it. Today solidified my decision to close up shop once this epidemic has run it's course. I'll finish up the training owed to clients that have pre paid and then everyone will be sent home and I will no longer have a 24/7 complaint/whining/input department from people who cannot fathom the immensity, complexity and seriousness of the situation at hand. Or those who cannot understand the immense emotional strain I've been under for the past 30+ days. I am only one person. People fail to realize that. I am not a miracle worker and I only have two hands.
I have played mother, father, daughter, business owner, client, horse owner, etc. etc. etc. all alone since January. I have 20+ horses at any given time that depend on me for their well being, I have a 2 year old son who does the same. I have a husband who needs my attention, life that needs my attention and a house that has seen far too little of my attention as well. I dare anyone to handle this situation any better than I have. I've held up my end of the bargain far beyond what most people would've. I think I deserve some time to rest.
I started my business because I loved horses. I wanted to help horses that others had deemed 'unfixable' or 'problematic' but the only problem half the time was the owners, and any progress I would make in 30 or 60 days would be negated by the fact that people don't listen or learn and they go back to doing exactly what they always did which was what caused the problem in the first place. I started expanding business. We added breeding, showing, show training and more. And before I knew it things were on a roll. They were going great. I couldn't have asked for more. And then the shit hit the fan and the strangles spread through the herd like wildfire, putting on hold any and all plans and leaving immense destruction in it's wake. I realized that somewhere along the way, I'd lost sight of not only my original goal but every goal established since then as well. It was troubling to say the least.
In fact, this illness was really a blessing. It made me take a step back, take a look at where things were going and made me realize that I didn't like what I saw. This was my chance to rebuild, or dissolve, and I chose to dissolve. I won't pretend that I don't want to come back stronger than ever, but the reality is that I'm too overwhelmed from the immensity of this disaster (yes, it in fact was one) to recover right now or to even pretend I want to run a business again in the next six months.
Maybe after the winter, when things have had time to settle down and the horses have had time to recover from the weight loss that this has caused and have had time to rebuild their health to it's highest level, then I could fathom doing this again. Only after I have had a very long break. A VERY long break.
There are some days I feel like the world is caving in. Every breath is like waiting for the next shoe to fall. Surely, it has to be coming. I've lived in this state of mind for much of the past month. It's getting old. I'm operating in survival mode and nowhere outside of that. I want to live life again. You know, back when things were simple and 'boring' and I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I had a routine, I had horses to train, I had goals. I had it easy, and I thought it was so hard.
Much like any other crisis this one has forced me to take a good look at life. To evaluate EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that is making it more difficult. I've found a lot of things that, simply put, need to go. I'm not a people person, so the ones who have only made this time more difficult will be the first to see their way out the door. There have been a few already, there will be more soon. I got off track somehow and now I'm getting back on in a new and better way.
Basically, yes. I am angry. I am wallowing in it because it's making me see the things that I never wanted or needed in the first place and making me 'clean house' literally and figuratively. Things are just things and some people are just people. Any one or any thing that no longer falls into the category of priority won't be around much longer. I'm talking real priorities, not the ones you think you're supposed to have.
Money is great, the money I made was great, but was it worth it at the expense of my sanity? No. And I will never make it so again. Those days are over.
I'm tired, quite honestly, of people telling me how to fix my problems or that 'you're never given more than you can handle' because they haven't been here over the past few months and they have not felt the pressure that I have or had to struggle as hard as I have to keep things afloat. It's frustrating and yes, I am angry. I have a right to be. Maybe these problems don't seem big to anyone except me but to me they are huge, as they're destroying my entire way of life that I worked for over a year to create.
I have seen the near destruction of my business, faced the loss of one of the greatest horses I've ever had, been through days where we were so broke that I scrounged up change to put gas in my truck. I'm proud to say, through all of this, I managed to always keep everyone fed (myself, my son, the horses and dogs) and keep all of our bills for the most part current. But it's been a hard struggle. One that has overwhelmed me and made me tired and yes, bitter.
Over the past week or two I've tried to take a break. I've tried to rest my mind and though still performing my daily duties, tried to take a break from all that has been going on. However, despite my best efforts, the exhaustion has worn me thin. It's shortened my ability to handle bullshit, complaining and bitching from people who have no idea of the immensity of the situation I faced, and to an extent am still facing. I no longer feel a need to cater to clients. I'm doing my best, if you don't like it then leave. I'm not here to make friends, other than the four legged varieties and that's about it. Today solidified my decision to close up shop once this epidemic has run it's course. I'll finish up the training owed to clients that have pre paid and then everyone will be sent home and I will no longer have a 24/7 complaint/whining/input department from people who cannot fathom the immensity, complexity and seriousness of the situation at hand. Or those who cannot understand the immense emotional strain I've been under for the past 30+ days. I am only one person. People fail to realize that. I am not a miracle worker and I only have two hands.
I have played mother, father, daughter, business owner, client, horse owner, etc. etc. etc. all alone since January. I have 20+ horses at any given time that depend on me for their well being, I have a 2 year old son who does the same. I have a husband who needs my attention, life that needs my attention and a house that has seen far too little of my attention as well. I dare anyone to handle this situation any better than I have. I've held up my end of the bargain far beyond what most people would've. I think I deserve some time to rest.
I started my business because I loved horses. I wanted to help horses that others had deemed 'unfixable' or 'problematic' but the only problem half the time was the owners, and any progress I would make in 30 or 60 days would be negated by the fact that people don't listen or learn and they go back to doing exactly what they always did which was what caused the problem in the first place. I started expanding business. We added breeding, showing, show training and more. And before I knew it things were on a roll. They were going great. I couldn't have asked for more. And then the shit hit the fan and the strangles spread through the herd like wildfire, putting on hold any and all plans and leaving immense destruction in it's wake. I realized that somewhere along the way, I'd lost sight of not only my original goal but every goal established since then as well. It was troubling to say the least.
In fact, this illness was really a blessing. It made me take a step back, take a look at where things were going and made me realize that I didn't like what I saw. This was my chance to rebuild, or dissolve, and I chose to dissolve. I won't pretend that I don't want to come back stronger than ever, but the reality is that I'm too overwhelmed from the immensity of this disaster (yes, it in fact was one) to recover right now or to even pretend I want to run a business again in the next six months.
Maybe after the winter, when things have had time to settle down and the horses have had time to recover from the weight loss that this has caused and have had time to rebuild their health to it's highest level, then I could fathom doing this again. Only after I have had a very long break. A VERY long break.
There are some days I feel like the world is caving in. Every breath is like waiting for the next shoe to fall. Surely, it has to be coming. I've lived in this state of mind for much of the past month. It's getting old. I'm operating in survival mode and nowhere outside of that. I want to live life again. You know, back when things were simple and 'boring' and I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I had a routine, I had horses to train, I had goals. I had it easy, and I thought it was so hard.
Much like any other crisis this one has forced me to take a good look at life. To evaluate EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that is making it more difficult. I've found a lot of things that, simply put, need to go. I'm not a people person, so the ones who have only made this time more difficult will be the first to see their way out the door. There have been a few already, there will be more soon. I got off track somehow and now I'm getting back on in a new and better way.
Basically, yes. I am angry. I am wallowing in it because it's making me see the things that I never wanted or needed in the first place and making me 'clean house' literally and figuratively. Things are just things and some people are just people. Any one or any thing that no longer falls into the category of priority won't be around much longer. I'm talking real priorities, not the ones you think you're supposed to have.
Money is great, the money I made was great, but was it worth it at the expense of my sanity? No. And I will never make it so again. Those days are over.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
My First Time
Okay so this is my first 'blogger' blog. I'm not really sure where to even start.
I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, trying to hold my business and life together amidst disaster and figuring out all the things I should've figured out a long time ago.
I'm 25 years old, I train horses, I'm married to a Soldier in the US Army and I have an awesome 2 year old little boy. Life was going great until the middle of April when everything slowly started to unravel.
I was rear-ended by a moo moo wearing grandma while sitting at a stop light. This incident totaled out our truck which we'd owned for less than a year. That in and of itself was financial hell, having to replace it and emotional hell, finding a car company that would give us a loan using a POA (power of attorney, since my husband is in Afghanistan). I made it through that only to then face issues once again starting in June when a horse who was here for training ran himself into a fence and impaled part of his hind end on a t-post. A week later he died from an infection in the wound and colic at the house of his owners. (RIP Casey). The next day, my stallion Lark, had a severe case of colic. That resulted in more bills that we didn't have the extra funds to pay.
Since then, all of my horses have contracted a virus called Strangles, due to my negligent landlord turning a sick horse out with them, though he is insistent that she wasn't the cause. My friend Val had to put her horse Chance to sleep, the dogs thought it would be necessary to tear up all of the ducts that connect my air conditioner unit to my house and leave me sweltering in 90 degree weather, the list just goes on...
Today, I had to put Lark to sleep. It was a rough day. I don't want to talk about it, at least right now.
Last week I took a 'staycation'. It was like a vacation except the only places I went were local and I just decided to sit back and take a break from all of the madness that has been going on here. It was great being able to relax and take my mind off of the events of the past month but unfortunately it made it even harder for me to get motivated to go 'back to work' or my every day routine.
Over this past month I've started to question everything in my life. I don't know how much more of my 'job' I can handle. Having to take care of around 20 sick horses has almost destroyed me mentally, physically and financially and exhausted me in all of those areas as well. I've realized that I'm tired of spending so much time alone, even when my husband is in the same country as I am. I'm tired of just being 'mom' and 'wife' and never having friends of the opposite sex that are just friends anymore.
During the past week I've met a lot of new, cool people through mutual friends. It's nice to have a new crowd to talk to, though they will never of course replace my dearest and oldest friends but the 'change of scenery' so to speak is nice. I like having people I can text randomly, go out in groups with and just do fun stuff like I used to do (going to the bar, etc) which I hadn't done in a LONG time. I never realized how lonely I truly felt because all I did was absorb myself in my work, which was great, for a while.... In the end doing that left me feeling burnt out and hating not only my job, but life in general.
This weekend, to take my mind off of todays events, we all plan on going out and having a good time. Starting tomorrow night in Bowling Green. Sometimes, I hate revisiting that place and other times I love it and the memories there are great ones. I just hope I don't run into people I didn't ever want to see again but in a small town like BG that happens a lot.
With six months of this year down, I realize how much I've had to learn and grow in such a short time and getting used to my 'new skin' is definitely hard to do. I'm trying to blend who I was with who I want to be, who I used to be with who I can safely be now, I'm just trying to figure out me! At 25, with so much life behind you, that can be a daunting task. Especially if you haven't been paying attention to yourself for the last 3 years.
Maybe I'm just rambling. I just know that I want to live life again instead of working it away to the point that there were days I wouldn't even see my child during waking hours. I'm not ready for that type of commitment to a job, especially one that has brought me so much heartache recently.
There are so many things I want to do with the remainder of this year. I want to be able to work out more, spend more time with my horses, become financially stable again....you name it, I'm there. I'd also like to buy some cute clothes but that's really it lol
In the mean time, insomnia has set in something fierce so I usually don't sleep at night because my mind is too busy to turn off. BUT, tonight, I think from sheer exhaustion of crying all day it is so I'm going to take advantage of that and get some sleep while I can.
Until next time....
I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, trying to hold my business and life together amidst disaster and figuring out all the things I should've figured out a long time ago.
I'm 25 years old, I train horses, I'm married to a Soldier in the US Army and I have an awesome 2 year old little boy. Life was going great until the middle of April when everything slowly started to unravel.
I was rear-ended by a moo moo wearing grandma while sitting at a stop light. This incident totaled out our truck which we'd owned for less than a year. That in and of itself was financial hell, having to replace it and emotional hell, finding a car company that would give us a loan using a POA (power of attorney, since my husband is in Afghanistan). I made it through that only to then face issues once again starting in June when a horse who was here for training ran himself into a fence and impaled part of his hind end on a t-post. A week later he died from an infection in the wound and colic at the house of his owners. (RIP Casey). The next day, my stallion Lark, had a severe case of colic. That resulted in more bills that we didn't have the extra funds to pay.
Since then, all of my horses have contracted a virus called Strangles, due to my negligent landlord turning a sick horse out with them, though he is insistent that she wasn't the cause. My friend Val had to put her horse Chance to sleep, the dogs thought it would be necessary to tear up all of the ducts that connect my air conditioner unit to my house and leave me sweltering in 90 degree weather, the list just goes on...
Today, I had to put Lark to sleep. It was a rough day. I don't want to talk about it, at least right now.
Last week I took a 'staycation'. It was like a vacation except the only places I went were local and I just decided to sit back and take a break from all of the madness that has been going on here. It was great being able to relax and take my mind off of the events of the past month but unfortunately it made it even harder for me to get motivated to go 'back to work' or my every day routine.
Over this past month I've started to question everything in my life. I don't know how much more of my 'job' I can handle. Having to take care of around 20 sick horses has almost destroyed me mentally, physically and financially and exhausted me in all of those areas as well. I've realized that I'm tired of spending so much time alone, even when my husband is in the same country as I am. I'm tired of just being 'mom' and 'wife' and never having friends of the opposite sex that are just friends anymore.
During the past week I've met a lot of new, cool people through mutual friends. It's nice to have a new crowd to talk to, though they will never of course replace my dearest and oldest friends but the 'change of scenery' so to speak is nice. I like having people I can text randomly, go out in groups with and just do fun stuff like I used to do (going to the bar, etc) which I hadn't done in a LONG time. I never realized how lonely I truly felt because all I did was absorb myself in my work, which was great, for a while.... In the end doing that left me feeling burnt out and hating not only my job, but life in general.
This weekend, to take my mind off of todays events, we all plan on going out and having a good time. Starting tomorrow night in Bowling Green. Sometimes, I hate revisiting that place and other times I love it and the memories there are great ones. I just hope I don't run into people I didn't ever want to see again but in a small town like BG that happens a lot.
With six months of this year down, I realize how much I've had to learn and grow in such a short time and getting used to my 'new skin' is definitely hard to do. I'm trying to blend who I was with who I want to be, who I used to be with who I can safely be now, I'm just trying to figure out me! At 25, with so much life behind you, that can be a daunting task. Especially if you haven't been paying attention to yourself for the last 3 years.
Maybe I'm just rambling. I just know that I want to live life again instead of working it away to the point that there were days I wouldn't even see my child during waking hours. I'm not ready for that type of commitment to a job, especially one that has brought me so much heartache recently.
There are so many things I want to do with the remainder of this year. I want to be able to work out more, spend more time with my horses, become financially stable again....you name it, I'm there. I'd also like to buy some cute clothes but that's really it lol
In the mean time, insomnia has set in something fierce so I usually don't sleep at night because my mind is too busy to turn off. BUT, tonight, I think from sheer exhaustion of crying all day it is so I'm going to take advantage of that and get some sleep while I can.
Until next time....
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