So, I started the process of making changes that I hope will make me happier in life. They're big, really big, but I don't want to talk about all of them. The basis is this...things change, life changes, people change. On some level though, it all is still really the same.
I have done a lot of soul searching lately. That coupled with brutal honesty will either make everything better or break it apart but either way, I have faith things will work out just the way they're meant to be. Is there really any other option?
For the first time in a VERY long time...I feel alive, I feel like myself, I feel happy, I feel sad....I feel. And THAT is what I have been wanting and missing even if I didn't realize it. And feeling, no pun intended, feels good.
I'll write more later but I had to get that out. I wanted to let people know. At this point, I don't care any more about how others feel about my decisions. We all only get ONE life. There are no repeats, no replays, no do overs or restarts. ONE. And it's what we choose to do with that one that is the most important thing. Making ourselves happy will make those around us happy. My choices are my choices and no one can judge them, until they have walked in my shoes.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I can't remember...
What it's like to go on a date. The kind where someone picks you up, and opens the car door for you. They take you to dinner, you talk about anything and everything, you go to a movie, you drive home, you're nervous to see if they'll lean in for a kiss...
Can someone please remind me what that was like? I really wish I could remember.
Can someone please remind me what that was like? I really wish I could remember.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Another Day
Apparently, I'm angry. It's not healthy. I guess.....
I'm tired, quite honestly, of people telling me how to fix my problems or that 'you're never given more than you can handle' because they haven't been here over the past few months and they have not felt the pressure that I have or had to struggle as hard as I have to keep things afloat. It's frustrating and yes, I am angry. I have a right to be. Maybe these problems don't seem big to anyone except me but to me they are huge, as they're destroying my entire way of life that I worked for over a year to create.
I have seen the near destruction of my business, faced the loss of one of the greatest horses I've ever had, been through days where we were so broke that I scrounged up change to put gas in my truck. I'm proud to say, through all of this, I managed to always keep everyone fed (myself, my son, the horses and dogs) and keep all of our bills for the most part current. But it's been a hard struggle. One that has overwhelmed me and made me tired and yes, bitter.
Over the past week or two I've tried to take a break. I've tried to rest my mind and though still performing my daily duties, tried to take a break from all that has been going on. However, despite my best efforts, the exhaustion has worn me thin. It's shortened my ability to handle bullshit, complaining and bitching from people who have no idea of the immensity of the situation I faced, and to an extent am still facing. I no longer feel a need to cater to clients. I'm doing my best, if you don't like it then leave. I'm not here to make friends, other than the four legged varieties and that's about it. Today solidified my decision to close up shop once this epidemic has run it's course. I'll finish up the training owed to clients that have pre paid and then everyone will be sent home and I will no longer have a 24/7 complaint/whining/input department from people who cannot fathom the immensity, complexity and seriousness of the situation at hand. Or those who cannot understand the immense emotional strain I've been under for the past 30+ days. I am only one person. People fail to realize that. I am not a miracle worker and I only have two hands.
I have played mother, father, daughter, business owner, client, horse owner, etc. etc. etc. all alone since January. I have 20+ horses at any given time that depend on me for their well being, I have a 2 year old son who does the same. I have a husband who needs my attention, life that needs my attention and a house that has seen far too little of my attention as well. I dare anyone to handle this situation any better than I have. I've held up my end of the bargain far beyond what most people would've. I think I deserve some time to rest.
I started my business because I loved horses. I wanted to help horses that others had deemed 'unfixable' or 'problematic' but the only problem half the time was the owners, and any progress I would make in 30 or 60 days would be negated by the fact that people don't listen or learn and they go back to doing exactly what they always did which was what caused the problem in the first place. I started expanding business. We added breeding, showing, show training and more. And before I knew it things were on a roll. They were going great. I couldn't have asked for more. And then the shit hit the fan and the strangles spread through the herd like wildfire, putting on hold any and all plans and leaving immense destruction in it's wake. I realized that somewhere along the way, I'd lost sight of not only my original goal but every goal established since then as well. It was troubling to say the least.
In fact, this illness was really a blessing. It made me take a step back, take a look at where things were going and made me realize that I didn't like what I saw. This was my chance to rebuild, or dissolve, and I chose to dissolve. I won't pretend that I don't want to come back stronger than ever, but the reality is that I'm too overwhelmed from the immensity of this disaster (yes, it in fact was one) to recover right now or to even pretend I want to run a business again in the next six months.
Maybe after the winter, when things have had time to settle down and the horses have had time to recover from the weight loss that this has caused and have had time to rebuild their health to it's highest level, then I could fathom doing this again. Only after I have had a very long break. A VERY long break.
There are some days I feel like the world is caving in. Every breath is like waiting for the next shoe to fall. Surely, it has to be coming. I've lived in this state of mind for much of the past month. It's getting old. I'm operating in survival mode and nowhere outside of that. I want to live life again. You know, back when things were simple and 'boring' and I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I had a routine, I had horses to train, I had goals. I had it easy, and I thought it was so hard.
Much like any other crisis this one has forced me to take a good look at life. To evaluate EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that is making it more difficult. I've found a lot of things that, simply put, need to go. I'm not a people person, so the ones who have only made this time more difficult will be the first to see their way out the door. There have been a few already, there will be more soon. I got off track somehow and now I'm getting back on in a new and better way.
Basically, yes. I am angry. I am wallowing in it because it's making me see the things that I never wanted or needed in the first place and making me 'clean house' literally and figuratively. Things are just things and some people are just people. Any one or any thing that no longer falls into the category of priority won't be around much longer. I'm talking real priorities, not the ones you think you're supposed to have.
Money is great, the money I made was great, but was it worth it at the expense of my sanity? No. And I will never make it so again. Those days are over.
I'm tired, quite honestly, of people telling me how to fix my problems or that 'you're never given more than you can handle' because they haven't been here over the past few months and they have not felt the pressure that I have or had to struggle as hard as I have to keep things afloat. It's frustrating and yes, I am angry. I have a right to be. Maybe these problems don't seem big to anyone except me but to me they are huge, as they're destroying my entire way of life that I worked for over a year to create.
I have seen the near destruction of my business, faced the loss of one of the greatest horses I've ever had, been through days where we were so broke that I scrounged up change to put gas in my truck. I'm proud to say, through all of this, I managed to always keep everyone fed (myself, my son, the horses and dogs) and keep all of our bills for the most part current. But it's been a hard struggle. One that has overwhelmed me and made me tired and yes, bitter.
Over the past week or two I've tried to take a break. I've tried to rest my mind and though still performing my daily duties, tried to take a break from all that has been going on. However, despite my best efforts, the exhaustion has worn me thin. It's shortened my ability to handle bullshit, complaining and bitching from people who have no idea of the immensity of the situation I faced, and to an extent am still facing. I no longer feel a need to cater to clients. I'm doing my best, if you don't like it then leave. I'm not here to make friends, other than the four legged varieties and that's about it. Today solidified my decision to close up shop once this epidemic has run it's course. I'll finish up the training owed to clients that have pre paid and then everyone will be sent home and I will no longer have a 24/7 complaint/whining/input department from people who cannot fathom the immensity, complexity and seriousness of the situation at hand. Or those who cannot understand the immense emotional strain I've been under for the past 30+ days. I am only one person. People fail to realize that. I am not a miracle worker and I only have two hands.
I have played mother, father, daughter, business owner, client, horse owner, etc. etc. etc. all alone since January. I have 20+ horses at any given time that depend on me for their well being, I have a 2 year old son who does the same. I have a husband who needs my attention, life that needs my attention and a house that has seen far too little of my attention as well. I dare anyone to handle this situation any better than I have. I've held up my end of the bargain far beyond what most people would've. I think I deserve some time to rest.
I started my business because I loved horses. I wanted to help horses that others had deemed 'unfixable' or 'problematic' but the only problem half the time was the owners, and any progress I would make in 30 or 60 days would be negated by the fact that people don't listen or learn and they go back to doing exactly what they always did which was what caused the problem in the first place. I started expanding business. We added breeding, showing, show training and more. And before I knew it things were on a roll. They were going great. I couldn't have asked for more. And then the shit hit the fan and the strangles spread through the herd like wildfire, putting on hold any and all plans and leaving immense destruction in it's wake. I realized that somewhere along the way, I'd lost sight of not only my original goal but every goal established since then as well. It was troubling to say the least.
In fact, this illness was really a blessing. It made me take a step back, take a look at where things were going and made me realize that I didn't like what I saw. This was my chance to rebuild, or dissolve, and I chose to dissolve. I won't pretend that I don't want to come back stronger than ever, but the reality is that I'm too overwhelmed from the immensity of this disaster (yes, it in fact was one) to recover right now or to even pretend I want to run a business again in the next six months.
Maybe after the winter, when things have had time to settle down and the horses have had time to recover from the weight loss that this has caused and have had time to rebuild their health to it's highest level, then I could fathom doing this again. Only after I have had a very long break. A VERY long break.
There are some days I feel like the world is caving in. Every breath is like waiting for the next shoe to fall. Surely, it has to be coming. I've lived in this state of mind for much of the past month. It's getting old. I'm operating in survival mode and nowhere outside of that. I want to live life again. You know, back when things were simple and 'boring' and I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I had a routine, I had horses to train, I had goals. I had it easy, and I thought it was so hard.
Much like any other crisis this one has forced me to take a good look at life. To evaluate EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that is making it more difficult. I've found a lot of things that, simply put, need to go. I'm not a people person, so the ones who have only made this time more difficult will be the first to see their way out the door. There have been a few already, there will be more soon. I got off track somehow and now I'm getting back on in a new and better way.
Basically, yes. I am angry. I am wallowing in it because it's making me see the things that I never wanted or needed in the first place and making me 'clean house' literally and figuratively. Things are just things and some people are just people. Any one or any thing that no longer falls into the category of priority won't be around much longer. I'm talking real priorities, not the ones you think you're supposed to have.
Money is great, the money I made was great, but was it worth it at the expense of my sanity? No. And I will never make it so again. Those days are over.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
My First Time
Okay so this is my first 'blogger' blog. I'm not really sure where to even start.
I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, trying to hold my business and life together amidst disaster and figuring out all the things I should've figured out a long time ago.
I'm 25 years old, I train horses, I'm married to a Soldier in the US Army and I have an awesome 2 year old little boy. Life was going great until the middle of April when everything slowly started to unravel.
I was rear-ended by a moo moo wearing grandma while sitting at a stop light. This incident totaled out our truck which we'd owned for less than a year. That in and of itself was financial hell, having to replace it and emotional hell, finding a car company that would give us a loan using a POA (power of attorney, since my husband is in Afghanistan). I made it through that only to then face issues once again starting in June when a horse who was here for training ran himself into a fence and impaled part of his hind end on a t-post. A week later he died from an infection in the wound and colic at the house of his owners. (RIP Casey). The next day, my stallion Lark, had a severe case of colic. That resulted in more bills that we didn't have the extra funds to pay.
Since then, all of my horses have contracted a virus called Strangles, due to my negligent landlord turning a sick horse out with them, though he is insistent that she wasn't the cause. My friend Val had to put her horse Chance to sleep, the dogs thought it would be necessary to tear up all of the ducts that connect my air conditioner unit to my house and leave me sweltering in 90 degree weather, the list just goes on...
Today, I had to put Lark to sleep. It was a rough day. I don't want to talk about it, at least right now.
Last week I took a 'staycation'. It was like a vacation except the only places I went were local and I just decided to sit back and take a break from all of the madness that has been going on here. It was great being able to relax and take my mind off of the events of the past month but unfortunately it made it even harder for me to get motivated to go 'back to work' or my every day routine.
Over this past month I've started to question everything in my life. I don't know how much more of my 'job' I can handle. Having to take care of around 20 sick horses has almost destroyed me mentally, physically and financially and exhausted me in all of those areas as well. I've realized that I'm tired of spending so much time alone, even when my husband is in the same country as I am. I'm tired of just being 'mom' and 'wife' and never having friends of the opposite sex that are just friends anymore.
During the past week I've met a lot of new, cool people through mutual friends. It's nice to have a new crowd to talk to, though they will never of course replace my dearest and oldest friends but the 'change of scenery' so to speak is nice. I like having people I can text randomly, go out in groups with and just do fun stuff like I used to do (going to the bar, etc) which I hadn't done in a LONG time. I never realized how lonely I truly felt because all I did was absorb myself in my work, which was great, for a while.... In the end doing that left me feeling burnt out and hating not only my job, but life in general.
This weekend, to take my mind off of todays events, we all plan on going out and having a good time. Starting tomorrow night in Bowling Green. Sometimes, I hate revisiting that place and other times I love it and the memories there are great ones. I just hope I don't run into people I didn't ever want to see again but in a small town like BG that happens a lot.
With six months of this year down, I realize how much I've had to learn and grow in such a short time and getting used to my 'new skin' is definitely hard to do. I'm trying to blend who I was with who I want to be, who I used to be with who I can safely be now, I'm just trying to figure out me! At 25, with so much life behind you, that can be a daunting task. Especially if you haven't been paying attention to yourself for the last 3 years.
Maybe I'm just rambling. I just know that I want to live life again instead of working it away to the point that there were days I wouldn't even see my child during waking hours. I'm not ready for that type of commitment to a job, especially one that has brought me so much heartache recently.
There are so many things I want to do with the remainder of this year. I want to be able to work out more, spend more time with my horses, become financially stable again....you name it, I'm there. I'd also like to buy some cute clothes but that's really it lol
In the mean time, insomnia has set in something fierce so I usually don't sleep at night because my mind is too busy to turn off. BUT, tonight, I think from sheer exhaustion of crying all day it is so I'm going to take advantage of that and get some sleep while I can.
Until next time....
I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, trying to hold my business and life together amidst disaster and figuring out all the things I should've figured out a long time ago.
I'm 25 years old, I train horses, I'm married to a Soldier in the US Army and I have an awesome 2 year old little boy. Life was going great until the middle of April when everything slowly started to unravel.
I was rear-ended by a moo moo wearing grandma while sitting at a stop light. This incident totaled out our truck which we'd owned for less than a year. That in and of itself was financial hell, having to replace it and emotional hell, finding a car company that would give us a loan using a POA (power of attorney, since my husband is in Afghanistan). I made it through that only to then face issues once again starting in June when a horse who was here for training ran himself into a fence and impaled part of his hind end on a t-post. A week later he died from an infection in the wound and colic at the house of his owners. (RIP Casey). The next day, my stallion Lark, had a severe case of colic. That resulted in more bills that we didn't have the extra funds to pay.
Since then, all of my horses have contracted a virus called Strangles, due to my negligent landlord turning a sick horse out with them, though he is insistent that she wasn't the cause. My friend Val had to put her horse Chance to sleep, the dogs thought it would be necessary to tear up all of the ducts that connect my air conditioner unit to my house and leave me sweltering in 90 degree weather, the list just goes on...
Today, I had to put Lark to sleep. It was a rough day. I don't want to talk about it, at least right now.
Last week I took a 'staycation'. It was like a vacation except the only places I went were local and I just decided to sit back and take a break from all of the madness that has been going on here. It was great being able to relax and take my mind off of the events of the past month but unfortunately it made it even harder for me to get motivated to go 'back to work' or my every day routine.
Over this past month I've started to question everything in my life. I don't know how much more of my 'job' I can handle. Having to take care of around 20 sick horses has almost destroyed me mentally, physically and financially and exhausted me in all of those areas as well. I've realized that I'm tired of spending so much time alone, even when my husband is in the same country as I am. I'm tired of just being 'mom' and 'wife' and never having friends of the opposite sex that are just friends anymore.
During the past week I've met a lot of new, cool people through mutual friends. It's nice to have a new crowd to talk to, though they will never of course replace my dearest and oldest friends but the 'change of scenery' so to speak is nice. I like having people I can text randomly, go out in groups with and just do fun stuff like I used to do (going to the bar, etc) which I hadn't done in a LONG time. I never realized how lonely I truly felt because all I did was absorb myself in my work, which was great, for a while.... In the end doing that left me feeling burnt out and hating not only my job, but life in general.
This weekend, to take my mind off of todays events, we all plan on going out and having a good time. Starting tomorrow night in Bowling Green. Sometimes, I hate revisiting that place and other times I love it and the memories there are great ones. I just hope I don't run into people I didn't ever want to see again but in a small town like BG that happens a lot.
With six months of this year down, I realize how much I've had to learn and grow in such a short time and getting used to my 'new skin' is definitely hard to do. I'm trying to blend who I was with who I want to be, who I used to be with who I can safely be now, I'm just trying to figure out me! At 25, with so much life behind you, that can be a daunting task. Especially if you haven't been paying attention to yourself for the last 3 years.
Maybe I'm just rambling. I just know that I want to live life again instead of working it away to the point that there were days I wouldn't even see my child during waking hours. I'm not ready for that type of commitment to a job, especially one that has brought me so much heartache recently.
There are so many things I want to do with the remainder of this year. I want to be able to work out more, spend more time with my horses, become financially stable again....you name it, I'm there. I'd also like to buy some cute clothes but that's really it lol
In the mean time, insomnia has set in something fierce so I usually don't sleep at night because my mind is too busy to turn off. BUT, tonight, I think from sheer exhaustion of crying all day it is so I'm going to take advantage of that and get some sleep while I can.
Until next time....
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