My First Time

Okay so this is my first 'blogger' blog. I'm not really sure where to even start.

I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, trying to hold my business and life together amidst disaster and figuring out all the things I should've figured out a long time ago.

I'm 25 years old, I train horses, I'm married to a Soldier in the US Army and I have an awesome 2 year old little boy. Life was going great until the middle of April when everything slowly started to unravel.

I was rear-ended by a moo moo wearing grandma while sitting at a stop light. This incident totaled out our truck which we'd owned for less than a year. That in and of itself was financial hell, having to replace it and emotional hell, finding a car company that would give us a loan using a POA (power of attorney, since my husband is in Afghanistan). I made it through that only to then face issues once again starting in June when a horse who was here for training ran himself into a fence and impaled part of his hind end on a t-post. A week later he died from an infection in the wound and colic at the house of his owners. (RIP Casey). The next day, my stallion Lark, had a severe case of colic. That resulted in more bills that we didn't have the extra funds to pay.

Since then, all of my horses have contracted a virus called Strangles, due to my negligent landlord turning a sick horse out with them, though he is insistent that she wasn't the cause. My friend Val had to put her horse Chance to sleep, the dogs thought it would be necessary to tear up all of the ducts that connect my air conditioner unit to my house and leave me sweltering in 90 degree weather, the list just goes on...

Today, I had to put Lark to sleep. It was a rough day. I don't want to talk about it, at least right now.

Last week I took a 'staycation'. It was like a vacation except the only places I went were local and I just decided to sit back and take a break from all of the madness that has been going on here. It was great being able to relax and take my mind off of the events of the past month but unfortunately it made it even harder for me to get motivated to go 'back to work' or my every day routine.

Over this past month I've started to question everything in my life. I don't know how much more of my 'job' I can handle. Having to take care of around 20 sick horses has almost destroyed me mentally, physically and financially and exhausted me in all of those areas as well. I've realized that I'm tired of spending so much time alone, even when my husband is in the same country as I am. I'm tired of just being 'mom' and 'wife' and never having friends of the opposite sex that are just friends anymore.

During the past week I've met a lot of new, cool people through mutual friends. It's nice to have a new crowd to talk to, though they will never of course replace my dearest and oldest friends but the 'change of scenery' so to speak is nice. I like having people I can text randomly, go out in groups with and just do fun stuff like I used to do (going to the bar, etc) which I hadn't done in a LONG time. I never realized how lonely I truly felt because all I did was absorb myself in my work, which was great, for a while.... In the end doing that left me feeling burnt out and hating not only my job, but life in general.

This weekend, to take my mind off of todays events, we all plan on going out and having a good time. Starting tomorrow night in Bowling Green. Sometimes, I hate revisiting that place and other times I love it and the memories there are great ones. I just hope I don't run into people I didn't ever want to see again but in a small town like BG that happens a lot.

With six months of this year down, I realize how much I've had to learn and grow in such a short time and getting used to my 'new skin' is definitely hard to do. I'm trying to blend who I was with who I want to be, who I used to be with who I can safely be now, I'm just trying to figure out me! At 25, with so much life behind you, that can be a daunting task. Especially if you haven't been paying attention to yourself for the last 3 years.

Maybe I'm just rambling. I just know that I want to live life again instead of working it away to the point that there were days I wouldn't even see my child during waking hours. I'm not ready for that type of commitment to a job, especially one that has brought me so much heartache recently.

There are so many things I want to do with the remainder of this year. I want to be able to work out more, spend more time with my horses, become financially stable again....you name it, I'm there. I'd also like to buy some cute clothes but that's really it lol

In the mean time, insomnia has set in something fierce so I usually don't sleep at night because my mind is too busy to turn off. BUT, tonight, I think from sheer exhaustion of crying all day it is so I'm going to take advantage of that and get some sleep while I can.

Until next time....