Another Day

Apparently, I'm angry. It's not healthy. I guess.....

I'm tired, quite honestly, of people telling me how to fix my problems or that 'you're never given more than you can handle' because they haven't been here over the past few months and they have not felt the pressure that I have or had to struggle as hard as I have to keep things afloat. It's frustrating and yes, I am angry. I have a right to be. Maybe these problems don't seem big to anyone except me but to me they are huge, as they're destroying my entire way of life that I worked for over a year to create.

I have seen the near destruction of my business, faced the loss of one of the greatest horses I've ever had, been through days where we were so broke that I scrounged up change to put gas in my truck. I'm proud to say, through all of this, I managed to always keep everyone fed (myself, my son, the horses and dogs) and keep all of our bills for the most part current. But it's been a hard struggle. One that has overwhelmed me and made me tired and yes, bitter.

Over the past week or two I've tried to take a break. I've tried to rest my mind and though still performing my daily duties, tried to take a break from all that has been going on. However, despite my best efforts, the exhaustion has worn me thin. It's shortened my ability to handle bullshit, complaining and bitching from people who have no idea of the immensity of the situation I faced, and to an extent am still facing. I no longer feel a need to cater to clients. I'm doing my best, if you don't like it then leave. I'm not here to make friends, other than the four legged varieties and that's about it. Today solidified my decision to close up shop once this epidemic has run it's course. I'll finish up the training owed to clients that have pre paid and then everyone will be sent home and I will no longer have a 24/7 complaint/whining/input department from people who cannot fathom the immensity, complexity and seriousness of the situation at hand. Or those who cannot understand the immense emotional strain I've been under for the past 30+ days. I am only one person. People fail to realize that. I am not a miracle worker and I only have two hands.

I have played mother, father, daughter, business owner, client, horse owner, etc. etc. etc. all alone since January. I have 20+ horses at any given time that depend on me for their well being, I have a 2 year old son who does the same. I have a husband who needs my attention, life that needs my attention and a house that has seen far too little of my attention as well. I dare anyone to handle this situation any better than I have. I've held up my end of the bargain far beyond what most people would've. I think I deserve some time to rest.

I started my business because I loved horses. I wanted to help horses that others had deemed 'unfixable' or 'problematic' but the only problem half the time was the owners, and any progress I would make in 30 or 60 days would be negated by the fact that people don't listen or learn and they go back to doing exactly what they always did which was what caused the problem in the first place. I started expanding business. We added breeding, showing, show training and more. And before I knew it things were on a roll. They were going great. I couldn't have asked for more. And then the shit hit the fan and the strangles spread through the herd like wildfire, putting on hold any and all plans and leaving immense destruction in it's wake. I realized that somewhere along the way, I'd lost sight of not only my original goal but every goal established since then as well. It was troubling to say the least.

In fact, this illness was really a blessing. It made me take a step back, take a look at where things were going and made me realize that I didn't like what I saw. This was my chance to rebuild, or dissolve, and I chose to dissolve. I won't pretend that I don't want to come back stronger than ever, but the reality is that I'm too overwhelmed from the immensity of this disaster (yes, it in fact was one) to recover right now or to even pretend I want to run a business again in the next six months.

Maybe after the winter, when things have had time to settle down and the horses have had time to recover from the weight loss that this has caused and have had time to rebuild their health to it's highest level, then I could fathom doing this again. Only after I have had a very long break. A VERY long break.

There are some days I feel like the world is caving in. Every breath is like waiting for the next shoe to fall. Surely, it has to be coming. I've lived in this state of mind for much of the past month. It's getting old. I'm operating in survival mode and nowhere outside of that. I want to live life again. You know, back when things were simple and 'boring' and I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I had a routine, I had horses to train, I had goals. I had it easy, and I thought it was so hard.

Much like any other crisis this one has forced me to take a good look at life. To evaluate EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that is making it more difficult. I've found a lot of things that, simply put, need to go. I'm not a people person, so the ones who have only made this time more difficult will be the first to see their way out the door. There have been a few already, there will be more soon. I got off track somehow and now I'm getting back on in a new and better way.

Basically, yes. I am angry. I am wallowing in it because it's making me see the things that I never wanted or needed in the first place and making me 'clean house' literally and figuratively. Things are just things and some people are just people. Any one or any thing that no longer falls into the category of priority won't be around much longer. I'm talking real priorities, not the ones you think you're supposed to have.

Money is great, the money I made was great, but was it worth it at the expense of my sanity? No. And I will never make it so again. Those days are over.