Friday, September 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What's Done is Done
I love this time of night here at home. It's so quiet and peaceful. The dogs are asleep, Caleb is at his Nana's tonight, the roomie is asleep and I'm left here alone with my thoughts.
You know, it's funny, there's so much I could say but it all seems like a waste of breath. The thing I've learned the most lately is, you can't fix stupid and well, in this world, there's a lot of stupid lol. I am done trying to change peoples mind or put the real thing out there. I know what it is, and I'm content with just that. People will be convinced of whatever they want, I don't even care to change it anymore. I'm going to laugh to myself about it all, because well, I got it like that.
I do what I do and I LOVE my life. I also LIVE my life for no one but myself and my son. People can disagree with that or think whatever they want but I have my time to be mom and my time, after 4 years, to be me. I am entitled to that and there are no rules saying you are not allowed that to be a good parent. I want breaks like everyone else and just because I take them doesn't mean I'm less, it means I know when to give myself a mental rest so my child can have a happier parent around him rather than someone who is bitter and miserable.
Either way, I'm done explaining it. I have some awesome friends in my life, I have a lot of awesome things going for me and most of all, I'm loving every minute of living MY life on MY terms. I should have done this a long time ago. If anyone feels left out, or left behind, well then I really don't know what to say. I'm still young and I still have time to do all of the things I want to. I don't have to stop living because I have a boyfriend, I don't have to stop living because I have a child and most of all I don't have to stop living because some bitter person who must hate their own life so much they have to have a superior attitude, thinks that I should. I'll do me, you do you.
I was never the perfect housewife, I can't make myself squeeze into that role. I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I do my best and my son grows up around amazing people who love him and care about him and has a mom who is HAPPY finally. I know that I may bounce from job to job but it's always kind of been my thing. I don't like boring and I don't like routine and if that makes me a bad person well then so be it.
I have worked hard to get everything that I have wanted in whatever fashion I've done it. I have been through times where I only depended on myself and times where I have only depended on others. Either way, I've always made it through, repaid my debt in one form or fashion and come out better on the other side. Life isn't always easy, sometimes we fall and sometimes we stumble, we have to rely on others occasionally who can help pick us back up, that's just all a part of it and there isn't a bit of shame in it. At least not to me, a person who has lived a lot of life without some idealized version of the world that I hold up as 'how it should be'. There is no 'how it should be', things change and evolve every day and you adapt to the situation at hand. That's just how it goes and I wouldn't have it any other way. The best parts of life are in the struggle, not in the easy parts.
Some people will never learn and grow. I have learned that too. There are some people who are content in their own little bubble, working so hard to prove their happier or better. I'm not. I like just being happier, better is a matter of opinion which I never really cared about. There is so much out there to see and do, and so much life to live, I could never limit myself to one small thing, one small view of this whole wide world. I want to do as much as I can and meet as many people as I can and have as much fun as I can because what it comes down to is that we only live once. We have to make the best of it, there is no redo button.
I guess, in the end, what I'm saying is this, I LIVE my life. I don't care who doesn't approve or what the silly opinions of others may be. I have learned through living, not through a text book and though that might not give me a big ol career or some high paying job, the payment I get from LIVING and LEARNING in life will make me richer in the end than any hour I've ever spent in a class room. I don't think I'm better or worse for that, it's just the way I prefer to be. That works for me and that's all I care about. People can say whatever they want, console themselves with whatever stories they fabricate or make themselves the do all hero in but I know the truth and deep down, they do too. I can still look in the mirror every day and feel just fine.
Well, long day tomorrow and I've blabbered on enough. There's a whole new day and a LOT of life to be lived. I intend to make the most out of EVERY minute. I can't wait to be on the road for the longest road trip of my life in 9 days with one of my very best friends. It's work (having to get the car from point a to b) and fun (might as well make the best of it) all rolled in to one. Can't ask for more =)
Until next time kids....
You know, it's funny, there's so much I could say but it all seems like a waste of breath. The thing I've learned the most lately is, you can't fix stupid and well, in this world, there's a lot of stupid lol. I am done trying to change peoples mind or put the real thing out there. I know what it is, and I'm content with just that. People will be convinced of whatever they want, I don't even care to change it anymore. I'm going to laugh to myself about it all, because well, I got it like that.
I do what I do and I LOVE my life. I also LIVE my life for no one but myself and my son. People can disagree with that or think whatever they want but I have my time to be mom and my time, after 4 years, to be me. I am entitled to that and there are no rules saying you are not allowed that to be a good parent. I want breaks like everyone else and just because I take them doesn't mean I'm less, it means I know when to give myself a mental rest so my child can have a happier parent around him rather than someone who is bitter and miserable.
Either way, I'm done explaining it. I have some awesome friends in my life, I have a lot of awesome things going for me and most of all, I'm loving every minute of living MY life on MY terms. I should have done this a long time ago. If anyone feels left out, or left behind, well then I really don't know what to say. I'm still young and I still have time to do all of the things I want to. I don't have to stop living because I have a boyfriend, I don't have to stop living because I have a child and most of all I don't have to stop living because some bitter person who must hate their own life so much they have to have a superior attitude, thinks that I should. I'll do me, you do you.
I was never the perfect housewife, I can't make myself squeeze into that role. I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I do my best and my son grows up around amazing people who love him and care about him and has a mom who is HAPPY finally. I know that I may bounce from job to job but it's always kind of been my thing. I don't like boring and I don't like routine and if that makes me a bad person well then so be it.
I have worked hard to get everything that I have wanted in whatever fashion I've done it. I have been through times where I only depended on myself and times where I have only depended on others. Either way, I've always made it through, repaid my debt in one form or fashion and come out better on the other side. Life isn't always easy, sometimes we fall and sometimes we stumble, we have to rely on others occasionally who can help pick us back up, that's just all a part of it and there isn't a bit of shame in it. At least not to me, a person who has lived a lot of life without some idealized version of the world that I hold up as 'how it should be'. There is no 'how it should be', things change and evolve every day and you adapt to the situation at hand. That's just how it goes and I wouldn't have it any other way. The best parts of life are in the struggle, not in the easy parts.
Some people will never learn and grow. I have learned that too. There are some people who are content in their own little bubble, working so hard to prove their happier or better. I'm not. I like just being happier, better is a matter of opinion which I never really cared about. There is so much out there to see and do, and so much life to live, I could never limit myself to one small thing, one small view of this whole wide world. I want to do as much as I can and meet as many people as I can and have as much fun as I can because what it comes down to is that we only live once. We have to make the best of it, there is no redo button.
I guess, in the end, what I'm saying is this, I LIVE my life. I don't care who doesn't approve or what the silly opinions of others may be. I have learned through living, not through a text book and though that might not give me a big ol career or some high paying job, the payment I get from LIVING and LEARNING in life will make me richer in the end than any hour I've ever spent in a class room. I don't think I'm better or worse for that, it's just the way I prefer to be. That works for me and that's all I care about. People can say whatever they want, console themselves with whatever stories they fabricate or make themselves the do all hero in but I know the truth and deep down, they do too. I can still look in the mirror every day and feel just fine.
Well, long day tomorrow and I've blabbered on enough. There's a whole new day and a LOT of life to be lived. I intend to make the most out of EVERY minute. I can't wait to be on the road for the longest road trip of my life in 9 days with one of my very best friends. It's work (having to get the car from point a to b) and fun (might as well make the best of it) all rolled in to one. Can't ask for more =)
Until next time kids....
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Everything I've Always Wanted To Say
This is to all the fake ass bitches out there...
First off, your convenient excuses for the shit that you did might get by with everyone else. However, there are some of us who saw the truth, and know it for exactly what it was/is. Yet, you act like your hands are clean enough to talk about everyone else. That's a fucking joke and a half. You don't have the balls to say anything to my face, just behind my back to your joke of a friend who also has no balls. There are some people who apparently focus way too much on my life instead of their own yet blame me of the same thing. I wouldn't want what either of you have, you couldn't pay me to take it, so please save yourselves the breath of acting like what you have/want is what I 'wish' I could.
I love this image people have in their head of what my life is like and why theirs (or they) are better. LOL I don't even know where to begin on that one so I won't.
I'm not bitter and hateful enough about my life or myself to attack you unless attacked first. Think long and hard about that. If only they knew, I have what they really want ;) BUT that's another story LOL I think I played I win in that game too.
The fact is that what you find acceptable or perfect in your life, I wouldn't wish for in mine. I have all that I want/need and I know who I REALLY am, what I've really done and what I've REALLY been through. Your view is skewed by hatred and so far from the outside you don't seem to understand. You make up stories to act like you have any idea of what I've been through but the truth is I've talked to the people you talk about, and their story is very different than yours. There's a reason there are so few who are loyal to you. You take your anger out on people for your own failings and shortcomings because you're jealous of what they had that you now wish you could have to the point of trying to convince yourself it's real every month.
I don't act like my life, or I, am perfect. I just live and do what I do. Your opinions can be whatever they want. Maybe everyone should take a very hard look at themselves and their daily habits before they judge mine. I have fun in whatever I do but I also take care of my responsibilities. Until you have done what I have done ALONE then you will never know. You can say you do all you want. But, you don't. Working hard on everyone elses dime, or raping the system because of some BS makes you the same as the person you presume I am and may I add, leaves you no room to talk. Oh congrats, you did something on your own? For once?! Here's a cookie.
The games and shit talk are cute. If you REALLY knew what was going on, you'd hate me even more lol it makes me giggle on the inside. Keep on being so bitter about your life you have to watch everything I do and say and talk about it amongst yourselves. I think it's funny, and I think it's cute. Above all, it's why I've cleared a lot of useless people out of my life. I'm tired of hearing their daily drama about fucked up people in fucked up situations. I'm out living while you're busy trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you're not really who you REALLY are.
LOL Deuces! Winning!
First off, your convenient excuses for the shit that you did might get by with everyone else. However, there are some of us who saw the truth, and know it for exactly what it was/is. Yet, you act like your hands are clean enough to talk about everyone else. That's a fucking joke and a half. You don't have the balls to say anything to my face, just behind my back to your joke of a friend who also has no balls. There are some people who apparently focus way too much on my life instead of their own yet blame me of the same thing. I wouldn't want what either of you have, you couldn't pay me to take it, so please save yourselves the breath of acting like what you have/want is what I 'wish' I could.
I love this image people have in their head of what my life is like and why theirs (or they) are better. LOL I don't even know where to begin on that one so I won't.
I'm not bitter and hateful enough about my life or myself to attack you unless attacked first. Think long and hard about that. If only they knew, I have what they really want ;) BUT that's another story LOL I think I played I win in that game too.
The fact is that what you find acceptable or perfect in your life, I wouldn't wish for in mine. I have all that I want/need and I know who I REALLY am, what I've really done and what I've REALLY been through. Your view is skewed by hatred and so far from the outside you don't seem to understand. You make up stories to act like you have any idea of what I've been through but the truth is I've talked to the people you talk about, and their story is very different than yours. There's a reason there are so few who are loyal to you. You take your anger out on people for your own failings and shortcomings because you're jealous of what they had that you now wish you could have to the point of trying to convince yourself it's real every month.
I don't act like my life, or I, am perfect. I just live and do what I do. Your opinions can be whatever they want. Maybe everyone should take a very hard look at themselves and their daily habits before they judge mine. I have fun in whatever I do but I also take care of my responsibilities. Until you have done what I have done ALONE then you will never know. You can say you do all you want. But, you don't. Working hard on everyone elses dime, or raping the system because of some BS makes you the same as the person you presume I am and may I add, leaves you no room to talk. Oh congrats, you did something on your own? For once?! Here's a cookie.
The games and shit talk are cute. If you REALLY knew what was going on, you'd hate me even more lol it makes me giggle on the inside. Keep on being so bitter about your life you have to watch everything I do and say and talk about it amongst yourselves. I think it's funny, and I think it's cute. Above all, it's why I've cleared a lot of useless people out of my life. I'm tired of hearing their daily drama about fucked up people in fucked up situations. I'm out living while you're busy trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you're not really who you REALLY are.
LOL Deuces! Winning!
Delusional people are funny
All I can say....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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OMG I can't. Stop. Laughing. They make medication for people like that. My feelings are sooooooooooo hurt because I give a fuck about children's opinions LMFAO OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I have to stop wasting time on morons who know nothing but I had to take a moment to amuse myself. LOL WTF ever. This game was called....I win. You know, I really love this one Ke$ha song right now...I can't remember the name of it.......hmmmm ;) LMFAO
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OMG I can't. Stop. Laughing. They make medication for people like that. My feelings are sooooooooooo hurt because I give a fuck about children's opinions LMFAO OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I have to stop wasting time on morons who know nothing but I had to take a moment to amuse myself. LOL WTF ever. This game was called....I win. You know, I really love this one Ke$ha song right now...I can't remember the name of it.......hmmmm ;) LMFAO
Blah,Blah, Blah, is what it is lol
LOL Some people think everything is about them. I guess it's just part of that self centered attitude of the 'children of America'. Ah, one day they'll learn, I guess that's all I can say.
Side note: I just wanna scream out, I know something you don't know LMAO I'm so mature sometimes. SOOOO wish I could let this cat out of the bag, but I can't, not now anyway lol in the mean time, I'm just content knowing for my own warped sense of satisfaction and well other kinds as well LMFAO.
Anyway, gonna take the kiddo and the doggies swimming today. Hanging out with the best roomie ever, Beth, and then maybe curling up and watching some movies later here at the house ;) I need to fold some laundry, but it's a nice day so that can wait. Can't wait to go to AZ soon! Then, when I get back it's time to pick up Etta and Wiggles from the airport all the way from the Stan. Can't wait to get the doggies here! YAY!
Until next time....
Side note: I just wanna scream out, I know something you don't know LMAO I'm so mature sometimes. SOOOO wish I could let this cat out of the bag, but I can't, not now anyway lol in the mean time, I'm just content knowing for my own warped sense of satisfaction and well other kinds as well LMFAO.
Anyway, gonna take the kiddo and the doggies swimming today. Hanging out with the best roomie ever, Beth, and then maybe curling up and watching some movies later here at the house ;) I need to fold some laundry, but it's a nice day so that can wait. Can't wait to go to AZ soon! Then, when I get back it's time to pick up Etta and Wiggles from the airport all the way from the Stan. Can't wait to get the doggies here! YAY!
Until next time....
Monday, July 18, 2011
Funniest Thing Ever
Hahaha it's so cute how some people live in a fantasy land. I really can't say much more than that.
All I can say is, what a joke.
Anyway, lots to do today.
All I can say is, what a joke.
Anyway, lots to do today.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I'm just me
Someone once told me, "You're like a mustang. No point in trying to tame you." I laughed at the analogy at first but then, I realized it's true. If someone pushes in one direction, I push harder in the other. If someone tells me no, I want to make it a yes. If someone tells me I can't, I'll do anything to succeed at it instead. It's just the way I am 90% of time. The thought of letting anyone, especially a man and no matter how much I love the, tell me what to do or that they want me to do certain things or that I should (that's always the worst word) do certain things...well, I can't handle that. I just want to be me and do what I do.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Everyone has to get offended
When I posted this on FB so I'm leaving it here instead....
I guess I just wanted to put this out there. I have a lot of people on my FB, some I know better than I know myself, others I barely know and I guess sometimes, because of the latter, I feel the need to explain myself.
Let me start with this...I was 'married' to the Army for almost four years. Literally married for a little over two. I went through 2 deployments (for arguments sake) with my soon to be ex husband. I have lived in this town for most of the time we were together and have seen things that most people wouldn't believe while I've been here. Maybe, that is why I have no tolerance left for any of it.
I have seen almost EVERY guy I know cheated on, I have seen many women cheated on, I have seen tag chasers and barracks hoes...LOL You get my point. This place has a way of changing people, and it does it to everyone, no one is special or exempt. Of the years I was with my husband, because of his job in the Army, I saw him for approximately 10 months....yes, 10 months in almost 4 years. Wrap your mind around that. People wonder how you grow apart....that's a good place to start as far as a reason. Furthermore, add the problems that someone comes home with from a deployment. TBI, PTSD, etc etc etc....the list goes on and for those of you who haven't been there, you don't get it. Everyone is different so unless you've been in that particular persons shoe's you can't know what it is like. You do not understand what it's like to watch the person you knew and loved slip away piece by piece except no one is realizing it but you because on the outside, they look and seem normal. The tiny changes escape people apparently. And btw, there's not a damn thing you can do because you're 6,000 miles away....
The other thing that pisses me off about people, mainly here, is that there seems to be this misconception that no Soldier should deal with any issues back home while they're deployed. It should be solely the wife's responsibility and that's it. SHE should be the one to suck it up and deal with it alone. Well let me tell you what, if I had done a lot less of that, my marriage might not have had so many issues. But I was brainwashed to think that was the way to go. Trust me, it's not. Being in Afghanistan does not exempt you from real life, it does not exempt you from your problems nor does it give you a license to treat people back home like crap because they don't do what you do. I'm sorry, I'm not the one who signed the contract KNOWING I would go to war (because after 2001 it wasn't an if it was a when). Don't get over there and think that you can do or say whatever you want and pawn everything off on the people at home because you're special. No. Life or death happens everywhere, every day, to every body. Unless you are going out getting shot at and blown up every day (like my ex whose plt, btw, I watched GETTING SHOT AT ON THE NEWS! (few people get that awesome reality check), and others like him and in worse MOS's and units) do not cry to me about your hard deployment. Unless you were living at a shit hole middle of nowhere little patrol base eating MRE's for 15 months in Iraq or Afghanistan, getting shot at, doing patrols, etc etc etc....there are a LOT of Soldiers who have it MUCH MUCH MUCH worse. THEY are entitled to complain.
Unless you are the one getting a call to tell you that your husband's vehicle got hit with an 800 lb bomb, that you are the one getting a worse call than that....You should thank your lucky stars every day for what you do have because I can tell you, THOSE are the things you dread the most. If you go your entire 'Army life' without them, you are blessed and shouldn't whine about how he hasn't called you in two days. Fuck, I remember when my husband was gone for 15 months to Iraq. Internet was shitty, phones were shitty and we were lucky if we heard from them every 4 days, THAT was a good week. I can certainly tell you they did not have hours to sit on a fucking computer every day so if you have that now....you're lucky. I have had friends die, I have had friends whose significant other died, I have seen people who come home dead inside. I have seen the effects of war when people come home, from a hard deployment, and I can tell you that unless you have lived through that, you don't get it. I have watched grown men cry, I have seen them unable to sleep for days on end, I have been on the receiving end of touching someone who is so amped up that they even swing in their sleep (or worse). There is not one person I know it has not touched.
So try me. Tell me I don't know what this life is like, that I don't understand, that I should be nicer because I can't. I have dealt with the real shit as have most of the people I know and love. THIS is the real Army life. It's not the shit you see on television. Just like they fight every day there, you fight every day here. The difference is, you do it alone, they have an entire unit of people fighting along side of them. In our life, you're lucky if you have one or two real friends.
I might never have been deployed but I have lived through hell here. Not only is there everything listed above but you watch everyone you know slowly move away, ETS, PCS, divorce, die, lose their spouse, grow apart...How about that? Is that enough of a reality check? So for everyone who wants to judge who I am and how I feel...now you know why. Because THAT has been my life for four years. I don't regret it, I wouldn't take it back. It made me a much stronger person and I've lived through things I wouldn't have thought I could.
However, now I'm on the brink of turning in my ID card. And with that, I am turning in a part of myself, giving away a part of my life, losing a part of who I was for so long. I have to figure out how to live in the real world again, how to function without the Army in my life, and realize that there are a whole different set of skills I have to remember now. I have not held a real job in 4 years. I owned my own business, but even that, isn't like having a career. I'm now out in the world without the backing of the Army, a bi-weekly pay check and someone who because of their job can provide whatever I may need. That is scary at 26 when you realize you have done nothing but be an Army wife for four years. No job cares that you can read an LES, set up allotments and manage the bank account....that's not accounting. No one cares you understand 98% of acronyms without a second thought, it's not a foreign language. There isn't a job that gives a crap that you have problem solving skills beyond most peoples because you've had to learn how to do it all on your own or nothing would get done...they don't care that you can fill out endless amounts of paperwork without getting writers cramp because you've done it so many times, nor do they care that you have become the most patient person on the face of the Earth because you've had to be. In the real world, none of that matters anymore. That, in and of itself, is scary and disheartening.
I don't know if there is really any point to this, other than to say, this life is hard. On both ends. If you can't respect both sides it's most likely because you haven't lived it or you're selfish, either way. The war doesn't stop at the Afghan border, it's a war fighting to make life go on every day here at home. So, when I lose patience, when I'm tired of excuses, when I get angry with what Afghanistan and the Army took away from me (because once upon a time I had a family that I loved with someone I loved very much) and I get resentful of the things I have had to endure....now, you know why.
Let me start with this...I was 'married' to the Army for almost four years. Literally married for a little over two. I went through 2 deployments (for arguments sake) with my soon to be ex husband. I have lived in this town for most of the time we were together and have seen things that most people wouldn't believe while I've been here. Maybe, that is why I have no tolerance left for any of it.
I have seen almost EVERY guy I know cheated on, I have seen many women cheated on, I have seen tag chasers and barracks hoes...LOL You get my point. This place has a way of changing people, and it does it to everyone, no one is special or exempt. Of the years I was with my husband, because of his job in the Army, I saw him for approximately 10 months....yes, 10 months in almost 4 years. Wrap your mind around that. People wonder how you grow apart....that's a good place to start as far as a reason. Furthermore, add the problems that someone comes home with from a deployment. TBI, PTSD, etc etc etc....the list goes on and for those of you who haven't been there, you don't get it. Everyone is different so unless you've been in that particular persons shoe's you can't know what it is like. You do not understand what it's like to watch the person you knew and loved slip away piece by piece except no one is realizing it but you because on the outside, they look and seem normal. The tiny changes escape people apparently. And btw, there's not a damn thing you can do because you're 6,000 miles away....
The other thing that pisses me off about people, mainly here, is that there seems to be this misconception that no Soldier should deal with any issues back home while they're deployed. It should be solely the wife's responsibility and that's it. SHE should be the one to suck it up and deal with it alone. Well let me tell you what, if I had done a lot less of that, my marriage might not have had so many issues. But I was brainwashed to think that was the way to go. Trust me, it's not. Being in Afghanistan does not exempt you from real life, it does not exempt you from your problems nor does it give you a license to treat people back home like crap because they don't do what you do. I'm sorry, I'm not the one who signed the contract KNOWING I would go to war (because after 2001 it wasn't an if it was a when). Don't get over there and think that you can do or say whatever you want and pawn everything off on the people at home because you're special. No. Life or death happens everywhere, every day, to every body. Unless you are going out getting shot at and blown up every day (like my ex whose plt, btw, I watched GETTING SHOT AT ON THE NEWS! (few people get that awesome reality check), and others like him and in worse MOS's and units) do not cry to me about your hard deployment. Unless you were living at a shit hole middle of nowhere little patrol base eating MRE's for 15 months in Iraq or Afghanistan, getting shot at, doing patrols, etc etc etc....there are a LOT of Soldiers who have it MUCH MUCH MUCH worse. THEY are entitled to complain.
Unless you are the one getting a call to tell you that your husband's vehicle got hit with an 800 lb bomb, that you are the one getting a worse call than that....You should thank your lucky stars every day for what you do have because I can tell you, THOSE are the things you dread the most. If you go your entire 'Army life' without them, you are blessed and shouldn't whine about how he hasn't called you in two days. Fuck, I remember when my husband was gone for 15 months to Iraq. Internet was shitty, phones were shitty and we were lucky if we heard from them every 4 days, THAT was a good week. I can certainly tell you they did not have hours to sit on a fucking computer every day so if you have that now....you're lucky. I have had friends die, I have had friends whose significant other died, I have seen people who come home dead inside. I have seen the effects of war when people come home, from a hard deployment, and I can tell you that unless you have lived through that, you don't get it. I have watched grown men cry, I have seen them unable to sleep for days on end, I have been on the receiving end of touching someone who is so amped up that they even swing in their sleep (or worse). There is not one person I know it has not touched.
So try me. Tell me I don't know what this life is like, that I don't understand, that I should be nicer because I can't. I have dealt with the real shit as have most of the people I know and love. THIS is the real Army life. It's not the shit you see on television. Just like they fight every day there, you fight every day here. The difference is, you do it alone, they have an entire unit of people fighting along side of them. In our life, you're lucky if you have one or two real friends.
I might never have been deployed but I have lived through hell here. Not only is there everything listed above but you watch everyone you know slowly move away, ETS, PCS, divorce, die, lose their spouse, grow apart...How about that? Is that enough of a reality check? So for everyone who wants to judge who I am and how I feel...now you know why. Because THAT has been my life for four years. I don't regret it, I wouldn't take it back. It made me a much stronger person and I've lived through things I wouldn't have thought I could.
However, now I'm on the brink of turning in my ID card. And with that, I am turning in a part of myself, giving away a part of my life, losing a part of who I was for so long. I have to figure out how to live in the real world again, how to function without the Army in my life, and realize that there are a whole different set of skills I have to remember now. I have not held a real job in 4 years. I owned my own business, but even that, isn't like having a career. I'm now out in the world without the backing of the Army, a bi-weekly pay check and someone who because of their job can provide whatever I may need. That is scary at 26 when you realize you have done nothing but be an Army wife for four years. No job cares that you can read an LES, set up allotments and manage the bank account....that's not accounting. No one cares you understand 98% of acronyms without a second thought, it's not a foreign language. There isn't a job that gives a crap that you have problem solving skills beyond most peoples because you've had to learn how to do it all on your own or nothing would get done...they don't care that you can fill out endless amounts of paperwork without getting writers cramp because you've done it so many times, nor do they care that you have become the most patient person on the face of the Earth because you've had to be. In the real world, none of that matters anymore. That, in and of itself, is scary and disheartening.
I don't know if there is really any point to this, other than to say, this life is hard. On both ends. If you can't respect both sides it's most likely because you haven't lived it or you're selfish, either way. The war doesn't stop at the Afghan border, it's a war fighting to make life go on every day here at home. So, when I lose patience, when I'm tired of excuses, when I get angry with what Afghanistan and the Army took away from me (because once upon a time I had a family that I loved with someone I loved very much) and I get resentful of the things I have had to endure....now, you know why.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
It's Been A While
Well, it's been almost 4 months since I've written. I've been busy, really super busy. I don't really think there's a need to recap it all so we'll leave it at that.
One of the highlights was Lark's last foal being born (finally! one year and one day after her dam was bred). She's a beautiful little bay filly named 'Larks Last Rose' (Hope is her barn name). She was born on June 10th. I couldn't have hoped for anything more than all that she is. I believe I may be as in love with her as I am with my son and every time I see her the feeling only intensifies. She is the one thing bridging a very hard past with so much hope and potential for the future. She is the fruit of something I worked so hard to create that fell apart but now has the opportunity to grow again some day. She means a lot to everyone who knew Lark, who endured 2010 with C 'n' J/Double C, and those who know us and the story now. She is the first fruit of the vision I had for so long in my mind of exactly what I wanted to create with my breeding program. Again, I couldn't have asked for more. She is a beautiful final gift from Lark and will hopefully carry on his memory to all who know her for years to come.
On other topics, I feel that lately I've grown as a person. My divorce will be final within the next few weeks (most likely) and I am once again an individual instead of an Army wife, or anyone's wife. I no longer, legally, have to answer to anyone but myself and my son. It's a liberating and wonderful feeling. It's freeing and inspiring. I don't want to lose my grasp on that. As sad as I am that things ended the way they did and for the reasons they did (on both of our parts), I'm glad to see that things have settled quite well and that now we both, hopefully, can move on with our lives in a happier direction. Walking away is never easy and only when you lose something do you realize how much you truly had and took for granted, but sometimes if you don't walk away, you'll never be able to see what kind of amazing life can be for you.
This is a scary, challenging, life altering time. I love it. I love this feeling. I am not sure that I'll ever want to lose it. That being said, I've remembered something I seem to forget repeatedly and that's doing what makes me happy. I need to and more often. Therefore, due to the invite of two wonderful friends, I have decided that in 2012 I will fulfill two of the things I've wanted to do most in my life for the longest time. I will visit Sicily (where my family is from) and Ireland (where I have always felt a part of my heart must be). I'm not sure how I'm getting there, or getting the money to do so, but I do know that I have enough time to plan it and I want to see the world. I have never been west of the Mississippi and being 26, I think I need to catch up on lost time and do some traveling. I think I deserve that, I think I've earned that, so that is what I'll do.
I have dealt with so much drama in the past year. My own drama, my ex's drama, Army drama, friends drama, family drama....I'm tired and it's grown old. I have learned I cannot fix mistakes for others, nor do I care to any more. We all have to walk our own path and learn our own lessons. That's not to say I won't always be there for those closest to me, but it is time to free myself from unnecessary stress by trying to fix everything for everyone. The only one who can make your situation better is yourself.
That all being said, I know that there are many people who judge me still and my choices and my life. They think they're superior in some way, and that's fine. It's their right to think that. I just sit back and laugh. Sure, you're going places in life but mostly, you're going alone and in the end, it's sad to think back and realize how alone you were, but you'll learn that in time.
Well, it's about time for me to call it a night. I have things to do around the house and since Caleb isn't here I need to get moving on them. It's always easier to clean when he isn't home lol the mess doesn't reappear five minutes after it's cleaned.
I will try to be better about writing more often.
Until next time...
One of the highlights was Lark's last foal being born (finally! one year and one day after her dam was bred). She's a beautiful little bay filly named 'Larks Last Rose' (Hope is her barn name). She was born on June 10th. I couldn't have hoped for anything more than all that she is. I believe I may be as in love with her as I am with my son and every time I see her the feeling only intensifies. She is the one thing bridging a very hard past with so much hope and potential for the future. She is the fruit of something I worked so hard to create that fell apart but now has the opportunity to grow again some day. She means a lot to everyone who knew Lark, who endured 2010 with C 'n' J/Double C, and those who know us and the story now. She is the first fruit of the vision I had for so long in my mind of exactly what I wanted to create with my breeding program. Again, I couldn't have asked for more. She is a beautiful final gift from Lark and will hopefully carry on his memory to all who know her for years to come.
On other topics, I feel that lately I've grown as a person. My divorce will be final within the next few weeks (most likely) and I am once again an individual instead of an Army wife, or anyone's wife. I no longer, legally, have to answer to anyone but myself and my son. It's a liberating and wonderful feeling. It's freeing and inspiring. I don't want to lose my grasp on that. As sad as I am that things ended the way they did and for the reasons they did (on both of our parts), I'm glad to see that things have settled quite well and that now we both, hopefully, can move on with our lives in a happier direction. Walking away is never easy and only when you lose something do you realize how much you truly had and took for granted, but sometimes if you don't walk away, you'll never be able to see what kind of amazing life can be for you.
This is a scary, challenging, life altering time. I love it. I love this feeling. I am not sure that I'll ever want to lose it. That being said, I've remembered something I seem to forget repeatedly and that's doing what makes me happy. I need to and more often. Therefore, due to the invite of two wonderful friends, I have decided that in 2012 I will fulfill two of the things I've wanted to do most in my life for the longest time. I will visit Sicily (where my family is from) and Ireland (where I have always felt a part of my heart must be). I'm not sure how I'm getting there, or getting the money to do so, but I do know that I have enough time to plan it and I want to see the world. I have never been west of the Mississippi and being 26, I think I need to catch up on lost time and do some traveling. I think I deserve that, I think I've earned that, so that is what I'll do.
I have dealt with so much drama in the past year. My own drama, my ex's drama, Army drama, friends drama, family drama....I'm tired and it's grown old. I have learned I cannot fix mistakes for others, nor do I care to any more. We all have to walk our own path and learn our own lessons. That's not to say I won't always be there for those closest to me, but it is time to free myself from unnecessary stress by trying to fix everything for everyone. The only one who can make your situation better is yourself.
That all being said, I know that there are many people who judge me still and my choices and my life. They think they're superior in some way, and that's fine. It's their right to think that. I just sit back and laugh. Sure, you're going places in life but mostly, you're going alone and in the end, it's sad to think back and realize how alone you were, but you'll learn that in time.
Well, it's about time for me to call it a night. I have things to do around the house and since Caleb isn't here I need to get moving on them. It's always easier to clean when he isn't home lol the mess doesn't reappear five minutes after it's cleaned.
I will try to be better about writing more often.
Until next time...
Monday, March 7, 2011
Settling In
So, things are going incredibly well! Okay, maybe not incredibly but pretty well. I'm getting into a little bit of a routine, the soap business is already off to a great start which is awesome. I've gotten three rooms of the house spotless today and I'm getting ready to work on another which is a huge achievement I've been trying to finish for a week.
Deployment is going by slowly. Not mine of course but someone specials ; ) 3 weeks down today! Yay! Only another 32 to go (not that I'm counting).
Anyway, things are slowly coming together. I can't relax about money quite yet but it's getting there so that's an improvement and I won't complain.
Caleb has gotten to spend time with his dad which is awesome and of course, he is loving it. It's only a few hours at a time but they sit around and watch movies and play so he couldn't be happier.
Things are peaceful now and it's good.
That's all I've got for right now. I'll probably write more later but I have work to do.
Until next time...
Deployment is going by slowly. Not mine of course but someone specials ; ) 3 weeks down today! Yay! Only another 32 to go (not that I'm counting).
Anyway, things are slowly coming together. I can't relax about money quite yet but it's getting there so that's an improvement and I won't complain.
Caleb has gotten to spend time with his dad which is awesome and of course, he is loving it. It's only a few hours at a time but they sit around and watch movies and play so he couldn't be happier.
Things are peaceful now and it's good.
That's all I've got for right now. I'll probably write more later but I have work to do.
Until next time...
Saturday, February 26, 2011
And so it begins...
The next chapter...
After all the hurt and pain have subsided, or well have for the most part, I've been left with some peace and quiet. Not a lot, but some. I'm getting to enjoy my house that I haven't stayed in much over the past week or two for numerous reasons. I have things I not only WANT to do here, but HAVE to do here. And well, just because of all of the drama, not all of those things can stop.
For the past few days I've let stress overwhelm me. Stress about money, stress about all the other 'issues' going on, stress about other people or for other people and all of that stress clouded my ability to focus on the opportunities I have right now to change things up.
One of the opportunities I have is starting a business with my good friend, Marie. It's something I always wanted to do, making and selling soaps and other natural bath products (think the botanical store in Practical Magic) and the best part is she takes care of all of the web work, marketing, labeling, etc. I just have to make the product which realistically is the easy part. I started tonight with my first batch of soap that I've made in years. Hopefully, I wasn't too rusty and this turns out okay. I made a peppermint and orange/bergamot castile blend. It smelled yummy going into the mold and hopefully it 'bakes' well and cures out well too. I guess we shall see, so fingers crossed. I have a lot more scents on the list but for tonight one batch was enough. Part of this business also involves the herb garden I've somewhat started. I have a bunch of wonderful seeds on the way and need to get them started growing as soon as they get here. I need to replant a bunch of the seeds I'd already started due to a mishap with Roxie (the dog) and the seeds which had already begun sprouting LOL I'm hoping that by the time autumn rolls around I'm going to have not only a wonderful herb garden but a wonderful veggie garden as well. I'll add pictures as I can...
The next order of business will be making other things to sell from the house and getting the horse thing going again in full swing. I don't want to train anymore, I just want to buy, train and sell. No outside clients I guess is what I'm getting at, I just want to do this on my own level in my own time frame. I don't know how well it's going to work given the current state of the economy but anything is better than nothing at this point, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
I figure that eventually, it all has to come together. I mean, I know how to do a million and a half things and about a million of them could make money so that's what I need to focus on from here on out. Things are going to be harder being alone again but I did it for a year, what's the difference now really? I'll make it, because I always do and realistically, what other options do I have? So life will go on, or start fresh, however you want to look at it. I'm excited. I'm also nervous and afraid I'll fall flat on my face but I guess a little bit of that is good for everyone. I'm happier now then I've been in a long time and I intend to keep it that way. I will make it work.
Until next time...
After all the hurt and pain have subsided, or well have for the most part, I've been left with some peace and quiet. Not a lot, but some. I'm getting to enjoy my house that I haven't stayed in much over the past week or two for numerous reasons. I have things I not only WANT to do here, but HAVE to do here. And well, just because of all of the drama, not all of those things can stop.
For the past few days I've let stress overwhelm me. Stress about money, stress about all the other 'issues' going on, stress about other people or for other people and all of that stress clouded my ability to focus on the opportunities I have right now to change things up.
One of the opportunities I have is starting a business with my good friend, Marie. It's something I always wanted to do, making and selling soaps and other natural bath products (think the botanical store in Practical Magic) and the best part is she takes care of all of the web work, marketing, labeling, etc. I just have to make the product which realistically is the easy part. I started tonight with my first batch of soap that I've made in years. Hopefully, I wasn't too rusty and this turns out okay. I made a peppermint and orange/bergamot castile blend. It smelled yummy going into the mold and hopefully it 'bakes' well and cures out well too. I guess we shall see, so fingers crossed. I have a lot more scents on the list but for tonight one batch was enough. Part of this business also involves the herb garden I've somewhat started. I have a bunch of wonderful seeds on the way and need to get them started growing as soon as they get here. I need to replant a bunch of the seeds I'd already started due to a mishap with Roxie (the dog) and the seeds which had already begun sprouting LOL I'm hoping that by the time autumn rolls around I'm going to have not only a wonderful herb garden but a wonderful veggie garden as well. I'll add pictures as I can...
The next order of business will be making other things to sell from the house and getting the horse thing going again in full swing. I don't want to train anymore, I just want to buy, train and sell. No outside clients I guess is what I'm getting at, I just want to do this on my own level in my own time frame. I don't know how well it's going to work given the current state of the economy but anything is better than nothing at this point, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
I figure that eventually, it all has to come together. I mean, I know how to do a million and a half things and about a million of them could make money so that's what I need to focus on from here on out. Things are going to be harder being alone again but I did it for a year, what's the difference now really? I'll make it, because I always do and realistically, what other options do I have? So life will go on, or start fresh, however you want to look at it. I'm excited. I'm also nervous and afraid I'll fall flat on my face but I guess a little bit of that is good for everyone. I'm happier now then I've been in a long time and I intend to keep it that way. I will make it work.
Until next time...
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Starting over...
It's going to be scary. But you know what...I also know that in time, it'll all be just fine. Starting anything is never easy, taking that big leap is never easy. But, I guess what it all comes down to is that you gotta have a little faith. So...off I go into the great unknown. I think I like this feeling.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I Don't Get It
Everyday, I start to wonder more and more what exactly is wrong with some people. It annoys me when people constantly play the victim, or even more the victim who has had to overcome so much. Woe is me. Who thrives off of sympathy? It's friggin' annoying as hell to watch when you know some of the things these people are saying are BLATANT lies and stories blown out of proportion. The most frustrating part is watching the people who believe this BS get taken advantage of and used the way so many others have been by those people before. It makes me want to punch things. Everyone wants a pat on the back for things they've never really done. WTF? Is there any gratification in getting that? I don't understand, probably never will. I'm just sick of hearing it so I'm tuning them out of my life. Everyone has to draw a line somewhere don't they?
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