Randomness

I'll never understand the workings of the human heart, at least not completely. I'll never understand how it's possible to feel so much and so little at the same time or how it's possible to feel so much for two incredible people as opposed to just one. I know all of that might seem a little confusing and that's okay, I don't feel the need to explain really. I guess I'm just confused by the way love and life work sometimes. I always remember a quote from the movie 'Me, Myself and Irene' at times like these..."I guess the heart just wants what the heart wants." It's so true. However, sometimes figuring out exactly what it is our heart wants....well that's the hard part. We'll leave it at that.

Sometimes in life, it's so hard to figure out the next step and if the choice you're making is the right one. I don't think we ever REALLY know. After all, most decisions people make are based on all we know at the time. There will always be things we don't know that could've helped us to make different choices. Just to take a glance into the future....it'd make things so much easier. We only live once, we all want to make the right choices and decisions, and I think we all wish there was a way to know if the things we choose or decide will work out for the best. I think life puts things in front of us for a reason, every single thing. Every person, every event is meant to help us see or choose where we want to or are meant to be. Sometimes I wonder if the things we want are really the things that we need and vice versa. I guess there's never any way to be REALLY sure. Wouldn't it be nice if there was?

Something else I don't understand is the way certain people choose to make their lives so dramatic. I used to be like that. I wasted so much time on it because at one time I thought all of these little things were SO important. I thought that peoples opinions and the things they said or did mattered SO much. Sometimes, when you take a step back it's easy to see that really, those people and their thoughts and words don't matter at all. That if things in your life have to be so dramatic it might be better just to take a few steps back. I don't think some people will ever understand that. I think that a lot of times people thrive on the attention and the drama and get so caught up in it that they fail to see what really matters and what's really important. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. It's how many of these 'assholes' we let influence our lives that's important. Personally, I'd rather not have any other than my own to deal with.

I ran into someone this past weekend that I haven't seen in a while. They shared a few things about their life with me that were definitely a surprise. I found out things, about people who have constantly criticized me, that absolutely floored me. Here, I was being lectured about the way I chose to live my life or the decisions I made from these people with this holier than thou attitude and come to find out...the things they'd been doing that they hadn't talked about, the way things REALLY are in their lives as opposed to the way they'd like people to believe they are, the way the people around them REALLY behave and what they're involved in....let's just say that overall, my hands are pretty clean. Now, I'm not judging. We all make our own choices, our own beds to lie in and Lord knows, I'm far from perfect and my 'bed' is rarely ever 'made' for lack of a better term BUT I also never took time out of my day to go above and beyond to criticize these people to make myself feel better. However, I guess if I was doing the things they were/are I would want to hide it the best way I could too, and I'd probably think the best way was to start pointing out everyone elses flaws before I took the time to look at my own which are, by comparison, much worse.

Out With The Old, In With The New

Traditionally, fall is a time of change and this fall will be no different for me. There are going to be a lot of HUGE changes.

This morning I got a phone call that spurred me into action so to speak to start my 'future planning'. So, in light of that I've come to a ton of decisions (this seems to be a theme lately).

I can't go too much into the first change for a lot of reasons but suffice to say I'll be staying a bit closer to Clarksville which will be nice. I'm in the process of taking the steps to make that happen as I type. It's probably a month or so off but that gives me more time to prepare everything that will need to be done before that happens.

Next, I'll probably be trying to find a more stable job that offers me the same income every paycheck instead of guesstimating how much I'll be making every month. I'll admit the thought of getting a 'real' job again is slightly daunting but how hard can it be? I've worked since I was 15 at a real job except for these last three years where I only had one on and off. It shouldn't be too hard to get back into the swing of that. I'm almost kind of excited.

All of this because in reality, I want a REAL life again. I don't want to have to spend my days cleaning up one mess after the other or fixing one fence after another all by myself anymore. I want to enjoy time with my son and continue to enjoy life and I don't want a huge house to have to maintain day after day after day. I want simple and so that's what I'm going for.

Right now, I have to go but I will write more later. I just had to share my excitement!

Soundtrack Of My Life

Kind of a fun idea someone just brought up to me...

We were discussing how music is a really powerful thing and how simply hearing a song can bring you back to certain moments in time when you associated that song with your life or a time when maybe you heard a song and whatever you were doing at that moment comes back to you whenever you hear it now. So, I jokingly was talking about the 'soundtrack of our lives' this summer. Being that fall is less than a month away I figured I'd start this list and I can add to it if I want BUT these are all songs that have been the background for life over the past few months...

Here goes:

Airplanes- B.o.B.
Alcohol- Brad Paisley
All My Friends Say- Luke Bryan
Alright Guy- Gary Allan
Anything, Anywhere- Melissa Ferrick
Apologize- OneRepublic
Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not- Thompson Square
As Good As I Once Was- Toby Keith
As She's Walking Away- Zac Brown Band and Alan Jackson
Best Days Of Your Life- Kellie Pickler
Brand New Girlfriend- Steve Holy
Brokenheartsville- Joe Nichols
California Gurls- DJ X-Change
Can't Take My Eyes Off You- Lady Antebellum
Chicken Fried- Zac Brown Band
You're Gonna Love Me- Chris Young
Collide- Howie Day
Come On Get Higher- Sugarland/Matt Nathanson
Come Pick Me Up- Zac Brown Band
Counting Blue Cars- Dishwalla
Country Man- Luke Bryan
Don't Let Me Get Me- P!nk
Don't Matter- Akon
Don't Stop Believin'- Journey
What I Almost Was- Eric Church
Fearless- Taylor Swift
First Time- Lifehouse
Free- Zac Brown Band
Friends In Low Places- Garth Brooks
She's Every Woman- Garth Brooks
Girl Next Door- Saving Jane
Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt
Guinevere- Eli Young Band
Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse
Hey, Soul Sister- Train
Holding Her and Loving You- Clay Walker
The House That Built Me- Miranda Lambert
I Can't Sleep- Clay Walker
I Keep On Lovin' You- Reba
I'm A Pilot- Dos Gringos
I'm Yours- Jason Mraz
If I Die Young- The Band Perry
If I Had A Million Dollars- Barenaked Ladies
If I Knew Then- Lady Antebellum
Into The Mystic- Van Morrison
Just To Be Your Tear- Tim McGraw
Just Like A Pill- P!nk
Just The Way You Are- Bruno Mars
Kiss 'n' Tell- Ke$ha
Kiss Goodbye- Little Big Town
Laid- Matt Nathanson
Lips Of An Angel- Hinder
Love Me For Me- Bomshel
Love Story- Taylor Swift
Love The Way You Lie- Eminem
More Like Her- Miranda Lambert
Mud On The Tires- Brad Paisley
N Dey Say- Nelly
Need You Now- Lady Antebellum
Nothing Compares 2 U- Sinead O'Connor
Out Last Night- Kenny Chesney
Pray For You- Jaron and The Long Road To Love
Pretty Good At Drinkin' Beer- Billy Currington
The Reason Why- Little Big Town
Red High Heels- Kellie Pickler
Sitting At A Bar- Rehab
Say- John Mayer
Secrets- OneRepublic
She Ain't Right- Lee Brice
Sleeping To Dream- Jason Mraz
Stuck Like Glue- Sugarland
Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond
My Biznitch Is The Shiznit- Tenacious D
What I Love About Sundays- Craig Morgan
Then- Brad Paisley
Thinking Of You- Christian Kane
Tik Tok- Kesha
Today Was A Fairytale- Taylor Swift
Tomorrow- Sean Kingston
Use Somebody- Kings Of Leon
Wal-Mart Flowers- Trailer Choir
Way Out Here- Josh Thompson
Welcome To The Farm- Luke Bryan
What Country Is- Luke Bryan
Whatever It Takes- Lifehouse
When A Man Loves A Woman- Percy Sledge
When Will I Be Loved- Vince Gill
While You're Still Young- Montgomery Gentry
The World's Greatest- R. Kelly
You and Me- Lifehouse
You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift
You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This- Toby Keith
You're Beginning To Get To Me- Clay Walker
Young Forever- Jay-Z
Your Body Is A Wonderland- John Mayer
Your Love Is My Drug- Ke$ha
God Blessed The Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
19 and Crazy- Bomshel

It Goes On

Robert Frost said, "I can sum up everything I've learned about life in three words, IT GOES ON."

I've given a lot of thought to that quote over the past few days and it's so true. No matter what we do, or our best laid plans, or how things may fall apart, at the end of the day the world isn't going to stop. It's going to keep on turning with or without us and life will continue in one way shape or form.

When things in our life are changing so much and so rapidly and we make choices that lead us into new and maybe uncharted territory I think it's so easy to be afraid that if we mess up everything will change, that life will change, it will all end if we make the wrong choice. In reality, life will go on and we only have two choices at that point, sink or swim. I tend to be a swimmer but I've realized a lot of people aren't. I've watched things happen in my friends lives over these past few weeks and some of them have picked up and carried on and found a way to get through, to survive. Others have sank and wallowed in self pity, insane actions and cries for attention because they're not strong enough people to 'do life' on their own.

I never really understood that. I mean we all have weak moments. We all fall, we all need help or a shoulder or a hand to hold sometimes but to be completely helpless on your own or even to act that way all the time, I would think demeans a human being. Men have this problem too sometimes but I find that it is worse for women.

At times, I look at the way I was raised (by a very independent, strong willed, do it yourself kind of Mom) and I wish things had been different BUT then I realize all of the things she taught me by being the way that she was and is and all that she still teaches me. Not to mention my seemingly quiet, demure, soft spoken Grandmother who was anything but ; ) That woman was smarter than most people with PhD's that I've met. That being said I was raised by some incredibly strong and just plain incredible women and it shaped me into the kind of person that I am. If you add life experiences into that basic upbringing what I have lived through has given me a pretty iron will and sense of independence.

I think it's important that I teach my son to stand on his own, speak his mind, stand up for what he believes, etc. Since he's just like me already I don't think he'll have much of an issue doing any of those things. However, if I'm ever blessed enough to have a daughter her lessons will be very different. I watch women every day who can't survive, on their own or at least they think they can't, without a man. It makes me sad. Why did these mothers never teach their daughters that you don't NEED a man to have a rich, successful and happy life? Sure it's nice, everyone wants a partner. BUT, if one day that husband walks out I want to know that I've taught my daughter to stand on her own two feet and close the door behind him (letting it hit him in the ass of course LOL). I want to know that I've given my daughter the tools and the ability to be a survivor and stand up for herself and to never grovel at the feet of a man begging for him to take her back.

I guess I say all of this because I see certain friends of mine who will have weak moments, think about going back to a life they were fairly miserable with when things get hard, I think that's normal and then I see people I know absolutely lose their world when their husband walks out. To the point they had put themselves AND their child in danger AND threatened suicide among many other INSANE reactions I've witnessed over the past two weeks. Over a man? DEFINITELY not worth it. Sitting in bed, eating a tub of ice cream and crying for a few days= much better response if you must LOL

I'm not laughing and I'm not judging. At one point, I would've to some extent (minus the child in danger and self harm) been that person whose world was absolutely destroyed if someone said 'I don't love you anymore' or 'I'm in love with someone else'. Today, it would obviously still hurt, I'd be sad, I'd be upset but in a few days I'd pick myself up off of the proverbial floor and carry on because there is no other option. When you're a mother and there are other people depending on you, you are forced to sum up life in three words and make it go on.

I guess I just wanted to get that out. The differences in people like me and the other person I've mentioned have been pointed out so much recently and have been so glaringly obvious lately and I think I just pondered what the difference in us could've been in our reactions. People are all different but what makes a woman be okay with being the weaker, more feeble, helpless creature? I am definitely not and I can't even fake it. I tried and I don't wear the look very well LOL I can't do helpless we have all realized because I just get too mad waiting on people to help or they do it wrong and then I get mad and just do it myself LOL

I suppose I should be more sympathetic and all but I find it hard, after what I've endured, mostly alone, for the past almost year to look at someone who can't even handle their own serious matters and have pity. We all make our own beds, we all have to accept the reality of the one we are given to lay in, and in the end...Life: it goes on.

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah...

Road Trip Tomorrow!

So, bright and early tomorrow we'll be loading up the car with the kids (Val, Caleb, Tori and I) and visiting the KY Horse Park in Lexington! I've always wanted to go and have yet to be there so we figured this would be a great weekend to do it and thankfully it's cooled off enough we won't be sweltering in the heat. I'm SO excited. It's been way too long since I've been to Lexington and a day in KY seems to be just what the Dr ordered. Especially deep in the heart of horse country. Sunday it's back to reality and work but tomorrow I'm just going to enjoy the day, the drive, the good company and seeing some really cool stuff. In the mean time, off to finish laundry and all of the other house and barn work I need to get done before we leave.

Something To Talk About

"Let's give 'em somethin' to talk about, a little mystery to figure out."

That song seems to pretty much be Val and I's theme song lately LOL I find it kind of funny too. If people knew what ACTUALLY went on behind all of the stories they'd probably be a lot less excited to talk about what they think is going on.

The truth is, that we are just two twenty-something year olds who are at the same place in life and we're muddling through just like a lot of other twenty-somethings who have done the same things before us.

Life, and being happy, is really all a choice. No matter who you're with or around or friends with or what you have...you have to be able to smile at all of the little things and that's what we've been able to do. It's made us much happier people.

I, well actually probably both of us, have learned a lot in these past few months. We've both been judged unfairly for our decisions but it's not really my place to write about the lessons she's learned so I'll just stick with mine. What I have figured out is that in life, there are people who are going to disagree with you or judge you no matter what choices you make. There is always going to be someone who thinks that they can live your life better than you can. Usually, that person is someone who has never been in that situation. It's very easy to look in on people's lives from the outside and feel like you have every answer or solution when in reality you have no idea. You're not living in their world, experiencing their emotions, dealing with what they deal with. We can always say that we'd react differently in certain circumstances but until we're actually there we never know how we will react. Who we are as people, what we've seen in our lives and what we've experienced will determine our reactions and nothing else.

Something else I have learned is that for the first time in a very long time, I don't truly care what others think of me. I have skeletons in my closet, just like the rest of the world. I have made bad choices and decisions in the past but it's how I have reacted to them as of late and the choices I've made because of them and what I've learned from them that really has been what mattered.

There was a time in my life, and not very long ago, when I felt the need to sit and discuss everyone elses problems or lives or shortcomings or whatever. Then I got so busy LIVING my OWN life that I no longer had time to care about or ponder or criticize theirs. What a freedom that gives someone. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." I understand now, the wisdom and truth in her words. How much of life I missed out on giving one shit too many about other people.

I always wondered why people did that. I think it helps to make them feel better about themselves. I think that when someone goes from miserable to happy it just adds fuel to the rumor fire or maybe it's just jealousy. A natural reaction? Either way, I've moved beyond it. I find that the older I get the more of a peaceful, yet exciting and happy life I want to lead. I've found a lot of things that make me happy, mostly about myself, some having to do with other people. I've started being spontaneous and random again, I've started really being me again.

I've been redecorating my house. That has made me happy. I've wanted to do it since I've been here and I finally got the motivation. It's coming really well. Slowly but surely because of course I can't just go drop a bazillion dollars on stuff that I want but it's getting there one room at a time. It makes me happy to walk into my bedroom and see it nicely decorated and clean. It makes me happy to walk into the kitchen and see the same. It's nothing really huge, just little touches but they've made a world of difference. Plus, with Val living here and people constantly in and out having everything organized has made it much easier to keep clean even with the constant traffic.

Another thing that has made me really happy is having Val around. I've had a lot of great friends, a lot of good friends, a lot of okay friends but Val has lately be an amazingly TRUE friend, at least that's a female. The others among the people who are my true friends know who they are but they've known that for a while now = ) It's nice to have someone like that around all the time to keep me in check.

There are a few other things that have made me really happy lately. The horses getting better, money getting better, new people I've met, new friends I've made and of course, my son and watching him grow older and learn things.

Life, is for the first time in a long time, really amazing. I work at making it that way. Anyone who doesn't agree with what I do or how I have changed things is probably miserable with some part of their lives or themselves best I can figure. Or maybe they're just upset they lack the motivation or courage to set out on a totally different path with help from no one but themselves and start living their own lives. It's scary but it's an amazing ride so far. I think that I can safely say, I've finally REALLY grown up, in the last way that there is to grow as a person. My life is complete for the first time and I know I can handle whatever comes next because of what I have lived through so far.

Enough rambling for now I suppose. Time to make dinner for three awesome people in my life = ) then spend the night watching movies and enjoying a cold beer while Val and I discuss plans for the coming year.

Happiness

The best part of being really happy: No one and nothing can bring you down.

I'm at such an awesome place in my life right now, things have really come together the past few days. Letting go of certain things and starting fresh with others. AND having the HONESTY and the BALLS to do both LOL

I'm not gonna lie and say it hasn't been hard, because it has. However, the rewards are well worth all of it.

I could say so much. I have so much to say. I think it's all better reserved for another time and place. However, what I can say is this...there are certain things in life that are just meant to be, and when you find them you hold on tight and get ready for the wild ride, because it's all worth it.

ONE single day can change so many things in our lives. The changes that happen in a day are amazing as well. And wow, it's been a great day.

My choices as of late have helped to make myself, and ALL of those in my life, the happiest we've been in a very long time. Who could really ask for more?

Well, time for me to go to bed. I have a very special person to make dinner for tomorrow (aka Val lol love ya) since it's my turn to cook, but before all of that it's grocery shopping, the gym, barn chores and who knows what else.

Heard this song twice today and it just seemed appropriate...

I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
"Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything

And for someone special:

There's somethin' 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot, yeah

We're drivin' down the road, I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

So baby drive slow 'til we run out of road
In this one horse town, I wanna stay right here
In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me
In this moment, now capture it, remember it

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

Well, you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake, I'm not usually this way
But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin'
It's fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

Long Day Ahead

So, I need to be awake at 0400 to drive Val to work. While she's at PT I'll be at the gym, then off to pick her up and take her to shower and change and get ready for work. Once I drop her off it's off to the OB/GYN to pick up my medical records to take to the new, and hopefully more competent Doctor I'll be seeing on the 26th, and then to the eye doctor to pick up a prescription.

Once I get back home it'll be non stop here until I pick Caleb up from Mom and then maybe both of us can get a nap. I also have hay deliveries, clients to talk to, lots of things going on tomorrow. OY!

But....I know, because of working out and getting things done and someone pretty special, I'll be smiling all day no matter how tired or busy I am.

New Plans

I'm so excited about all of the new plans taking place and things happening in my life and business right now and it's all just happened in the past four days. Everything is falling in to place which further proves that when you're happy and focused NOTHING is beyond your reach. Here's to the rest of the year being a great one filled with great people, great horses, great times and memories that are going to last a lifetime.

HAHAHA

LMFAO. WOW. HAHAHAHAHA. Omg people crack me up. Ah, the folly of youth.

Thoughts

Friends.

I've met a lot of people I thought were worthy of the title. They weren't. I'm glad to be done with them. Sometimes, we invite people into, or back into, our lives without realizing that there was a reason they left our lives in the first place and it was probably a pretty good one.

FRIENDS are there, good AND bad. They stick by you and even if they don't always agree with your decisions they SUPPORT you because they love YOU for YOU. It's a hard concept to understand for people I'm sure. When things go wrong in someones life that make a huge impact on them it should be understood that they're going through a hard time. During hard times who else do we have to lean on but our friends? Apparently, to some people, everyone should put on a fake smile and act like everything is sunshine and roses. THAT is OBVIOUSLY the solution. Maybe people who expect that from their FRIENDS should do it more often. Maybe those who think their friends should change their lives should start with their own.

Next, I'm entitled to bitch and whine. I'm entitled to change my mind. I'm entitled to feel however I want about whoever I want and I don't need anyone's approval because last time I checked, I was an ADULT. My decisions are just that...MINE. I feel sorry for people who have no passion in life. Who can't understand what it means to REALLY live. I can tell you this, LIFE, real life, is not in your routines or your silly books or your TV shows or anything else, it's in the amount of living that you do, in the passion you feel for the things you do and in the people you choose to surround yourself with. Maybe if I allowed my life to be dull and boring it'd be easier, but then...I wouldn't really be living.

I remember when I was young and ignorant and took my first steps into the world on my own. It fills you with a confidence and bravado that you'll only feel once because pretty soon, life will, at some point, knock you on your ass and take you down quite a few notches. The reality is that life can be cruel but it can also be beautiful, if you give it a chance. I remember, when I was in college for a short time, I thought I was better than everyone. I was getting an education, I was going to have a big career and I was going to do all of these wonderful things. They were good goals, my choices took me down a different path but it's not one I regret because had I not taken it, I would've lost myself in books and my small little college world and never seen the bigger picture. And trust me, there is a WAY bigger picture out there. Don't get me wrong. Education is a wonderful thing, maybe some day I will feel the need to finish mine, but so many people get lost in books that they forget in the real world, all of those things you learned in books won't apply. Not everyone is a statistic, not everyone is a number or a story on a page. People are real, breathing, evolving, feeling beings and THAT can never be captured on a page.

The real lessons in life aren't in books, they're not learned by 'doing it on your own' when you still have help from others, they're not learned by having spent years under your parents roof being supported by them. They're learned when for the first time, you wake up and realize that you are truly and utterly able to depend on no one but yourself for anything that you need. Those bills that come? Eventually, there's no one else to pay them, there's no family to bail you out, there's no back up plan, it is what it is and you are responsible for your survival. THAT is when real life starts. When the fantasy of CHILDHOOD ends and the real world slaps you in the face and my God what an awesome feeling it is. When you survive that, then you've learned something about the world the way it REALLY is.

I think that overall, I'm a good person. Am I perfect? Hell no. I've made mistakes, I've made bad choices and I can't say I'm always proud of everything I've done. However, I've also done a lot of things right, made a lot of great choices and am proud of what I have done and survived in my life. I could list all of those things here, but why bother. I know them, the people who MATTER know them, that's all that counts. I wish my biggest problems in life were as simple as losing a few pounds (which should probably be a priority for me lol) or what I'm missing out on if the internet is down. No one, except those closest and I mean closest, to me will ever have ANY idea of my biggest problems. Trust me kids, I wish YOUR problems were my biggest issues. LOL I'd breeze through the day. I'm aware that to a certain extent we create some of our problems ourselves, at least I take responsibility for them. I'm aware of my mistakes, I may choose to learn from them, I may not, either way it's my choice. Unless you know WHY I choose to do those things, or understand the level of stress I've been under (which is incomprehensible to most because they're not now, nor have ever been in my shoes) it's not really your place to say anything about it. Maybe my 'problems' seem small to other people but when they affect the basis of my entire world they are anything but small. Kind of like everyone elses biggest problems. Think about it. Hard.

I guess there is really no point to this whole blog other than to say that despite everything, no one can bring me down. So, you don't agree with my choices? My life? My parenting? My spending habits? My job choice? My choice in friends? Any or every part of my life or who I am or choose to be? LOL What makes you think I give a damn? I am the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS. NO one is responsible for that other than me. I spent WAY too long pleasing EVERYONE but me. I was trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect housewife, the perfect everything. Newsflash: I'm not and I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be perfect and I never thought of any of those things, except motherhood, as the biggest priority in my life. I don't live for other people anymore. I live for ME and my son. I can't even describe how much of an amazing feeling that is. Do YOU wake up smiling every day? Sure, I have bad days, the whole world does. Just because things may be rocky with certain people in my life doesn't mean I don't still love every bit of them for who they are, even if that may not fit with who I am. I'm on cloud 9 and it's not about anyone or anything, it's about ME. It's about taking time to realize what life is REALLY about because in the end, the things that will matter was the time you put in, the passion you felt for life, the people you met, the things you did, the life you led....not what you read about.

When you REALLY grow up, you stop asking for peoples approval or caring about it. That, in and of itself, seems to make people think you've lost your mind or you're being childish. In reality, when you're secure enough in yourself to, for the first time in a long time or ever, not give a damn what people will think, THAT is when you've grown up. That is when you've learned that the choices that people will approve of or like aren't always the best for you.

These are all just thoughts running through my head. Some people will never understand them. They'll think I'm talking about someone or something, maybe seeing similarities between what I've written and their lives will strike a chord will either inspire or offend them. When it comes down to it, I don't care any more. I'm past it all. I stopped caring about peoples opinions the day I decided, a little over a month ago, to turn my world up side down. It was the best thing I ever did. I don't take for granted ANYTHING I have because I BUSTED my ass for it, my HUSBAND busted HIS ass for it, I didn't ask mommy or daddy. WE did it on our own. Did we have help sometimes? Of course. But constantly no? Until someone has really earned anything, they'll probably never understand.

This is me. I'm loud, I'm obnoxious at times (okay, most of the time), I have no filter between my thoughts and my mouth. I can be rude, self-centered, a bit out of hand, reckless, impulsive, indecisive and annoying. On the other hand I can be a great listener, a caring friend (to those who matter), a helping hand, a good person, an honest sounding board, a hard worker, etc. I love every bit of me for me. So, because of that, a few extra pounds or a crappy hair color, or clothes that aren't necessarily 'in style' don't matter (even though I'd like to be thin and have great hair and awesome clothes lol).

I love EVERY part of my crazy life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And for once, I am completely content. So....if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass = )

Phone Calls

Today, as I was sitting at the Doctors office with my son, I received a phone call from my OB/GYN's office. They were wanting to check in to see why I hadn't had a follow up, after a few questions (since I hadn't been to the office since Feb. of '09 and had missed my last appointment) I was informed that my last pap smear had come back showing abnormal cells and apparently no one had felt the need to contact me until now. It was an 'oversight' and an 'error' for which they apologized once and then told me I needed to make an appointment to be seen and have another pap done IMMEDIATELY. Well, that's great news to get over the phone. Thank you for waiting since February of 2009 to tell me that something could seriously be wrong with me. Of course, it could also be nothing. A bad test, an error, no big deal. Got it. However, there is always the possibility it's something more and that's a scary thing, especially when now it's been left unattended for over a year and a half. I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm scared and again, I'm dealing with it 'alone'.

Of course, I have awesome friends who care and who were there for me after I got the call today and a great new friend who even offered to go to the Doctors office with me if I was too scared to go alone. I might be, I don't know yet. However, again, during scary and important times my husband is absent. I know it's not his fault, he tries the best he can, he contacted me as soon as he saw my message about what was going on but a nice word from halfway around the world sometimes just doesn't cut it. I want someone to hold me, and tell me it's ok and hold my hand during the test and when I get the results and holding a phone and reading words on a screen, again just doesn't seem like enough. Such is the life of an Army wife I guess, but sometimes, I feel like I forgot what/who I was waiting for. I'll admit it, my marriage might be falling apart, maybe I'm letting it. Maybe my life is falling apart, but it only feels like it's falling together.

This has been the hardest, but possibly best, year of my life. It's really amazing. I have overcome things that I thought I could never deal with and I've done it on my own, with the help of some friends and managed to keep it all together, for the most part. It's an amazing feeling. I have spent the last month smiling even when things have been terrible. Can anyone really ask for more than that? I know there are those who judge the decisions I make harshly, they can't understand and I suspect they never will until they've been where I have been. I have honestly started to find myself again. That's been a priceless gift.

Today, when I faced the worst case scenario of these test results, which would be cancer, I panicked for a moment and thought 'Oh my God, what if I die? What about everything I will have missed?' and for the first time, in a very long time, I knew that if I were to die tomorrow, God forbid, I wouldn't feel like there was anything I'd left undone because I'm living life to the fullest. It's amazing. I love it. That is all.

This song might sum it up best:

"I tend to laugh just a little too loud,
What's on my mind usually comes out my mouth
I've never been one to blend in a crowd but I'm okay with that
I lose my keys and I'm constantly late
I'm comfortable a couple pounds overweight
I'm gonna eat when I'm out on a date
Cause that's just who I am

I'm gonna live my life outloud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me.

I love to dance with my two left feet
I'm best friends with whoever I meet
It might hurt the heart I wear on my sleeve
But I will take that chance
One day I might just change the world
I'm gonna do it being just a girl
Who's gonna say things you can't ignore
Cause I love and I believe

I'm gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love
For me.

I'm living my life day by day
And I'm through basing it off what others thinks right

Gonna live my life out loud
Gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me."

Life Lately

Life lately has been pretty awesome. I've made some great new friends, have the best roommate ever and have been having so much fun. Things feel like they're finally getting back on track, the track I used to be on, just a better version. Who knows where things are going but I'm enjoying the ride. I enjoy waking up with a smile on my face every morning. It's been kind of nice. I'm finally rid of all of the BS and people who caused it and it feels good. Well, off to a Doctors appointment with the kiddo. I'll write more very soon.