Thoughts

Friends.

I've met a lot of people I thought were worthy of the title. They weren't. I'm glad to be done with them. Sometimes, we invite people into, or back into, our lives without realizing that there was a reason they left our lives in the first place and it was probably a pretty good one.

FRIENDS are there, good AND bad. They stick by you and even if they don't always agree with your decisions they SUPPORT you because they love YOU for YOU. It's a hard concept to understand for people I'm sure. When things go wrong in someones life that make a huge impact on them it should be understood that they're going through a hard time. During hard times who else do we have to lean on but our friends? Apparently, to some people, everyone should put on a fake smile and act like everything is sunshine and roses. THAT is OBVIOUSLY the solution. Maybe people who expect that from their FRIENDS should do it more often. Maybe those who think their friends should change their lives should start with their own.

Next, I'm entitled to bitch and whine. I'm entitled to change my mind. I'm entitled to feel however I want about whoever I want and I don't need anyone's approval because last time I checked, I was an ADULT. My decisions are just that...MINE. I feel sorry for people who have no passion in life. Who can't understand what it means to REALLY live. I can tell you this, LIFE, real life, is not in your routines or your silly books or your TV shows or anything else, it's in the amount of living that you do, in the passion you feel for the things you do and in the people you choose to surround yourself with. Maybe if I allowed my life to be dull and boring it'd be easier, but then...I wouldn't really be living.

I remember when I was young and ignorant and took my first steps into the world on my own. It fills you with a confidence and bravado that you'll only feel once because pretty soon, life will, at some point, knock you on your ass and take you down quite a few notches. The reality is that life can be cruel but it can also be beautiful, if you give it a chance. I remember, when I was in college for a short time, I thought I was better than everyone. I was getting an education, I was going to have a big career and I was going to do all of these wonderful things. They were good goals, my choices took me down a different path but it's not one I regret because had I not taken it, I would've lost myself in books and my small little college world and never seen the bigger picture. And trust me, there is a WAY bigger picture out there. Don't get me wrong. Education is a wonderful thing, maybe some day I will feel the need to finish mine, but so many people get lost in books that they forget in the real world, all of those things you learned in books won't apply. Not everyone is a statistic, not everyone is a number or a story on a page. People are real, breathing, evolving, feeling beings and THAT can never be captured on a page.

The real lessons in life aren't in books, they're not learned by 'doing it on your own' when you still have help from others, they're not learned by having spent years under your parents roof being supported by them. They're learned when for the first time, you wake up and realize that you are truly and utterly able to depend on no one but yourself for anything that you need. Those bills that come? Eventually, there's no one else to pay them, there's no family to bail you out, there's no back up plan, it is what it is and you are responsible for your survival. THAT is when real life starts. When the fantasy of CHILDHOOD ends and the real world slaps you in the face and my God what an awesome feeling it is. When you survive that, then you've learned something about the world the way it REALLY is.

I think that overall, I'm a good person. Am I perfect? Hell no. I've made mistakes, I've made bad choices and I can't say I'm always proud of everything I've done. However, I've also done a lot of things right, made a lot of great choices and am proud of what I have done and survived in my life. I could list all of those things here, but why bother. I know them, the people who MATTER know them, that's all that counts. I wish my biggest problems in life were as simple as losing a few pounds (which should probably be a priority for me lol) or what I'm missing out on if the internet is down. No one, except those closest and I mean closest, to me will ever have ANY idea of my biggest problems. Trust me kids, I wish YOUR problems were my biggest issues. LOL I'd breeze through the day. I'm aware that to a certain extent we create some of our problems ourselves, at least I take responsibility for them. I'm aware of my mistakes, I may choose to learn from them, I may not, either way it's my choice. Unless you know WHY I choose to do those things, or understand the level of stress I've been under (which is incomprehensible to most because they're not now, nor have ever been in my shoes) it's not really your place to say anything about it. Maybe my 'problems' seem small to other people but when they affect the basis of my entire world they are anything but small. Kind of like everyone elses biggest problems. Think about it. Hard.

I guess there is really no point to this whole blog other than to say that despite everything, no one can bring me down. So, you don't agree with my choices? My life? My parenting? My spending habits? My job choice? My choice in friends? Any or every part of my life or who I am or choose to be? LOL What makes you think I give a damn? I am the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS. NO one is responsible for that other than me. I spent WAY too long pleasing EVERYONE but me. I was trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect housewife, the perfect everything. Newsflash: I'm not and I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be perfect and I never thought of any of those things, except motherhood, as the biggest priority in my life. I don't live for other people anymore. I live for ME and my son. I can't even describe how much of an amazing feeling that is. Do YOU wake up smiling every day? Sure, I have bad days, the whole world does. Just because things may be rocky with certain people in my life doesn't mean I don't still love every bit of them for who they are, even if that may not fit with who I am. I'm on cloud 9 and it's not about anyone or anything, it's about ME. It's about taking time to realize what life is REALLY about because in the end, the things that will matter was the time you put in, the passion you felt for life, the people you met, the things you did, the life you led....not what you read about.

When you REALLY grow up, you stop asking for peoples approval or caring about it. That, in and of itself, seems to make people think you've lost your mind or you're being childish. In reality, when you're secure enough in yourself to, for the first time in a long time or ever, not give a damn what people will think, THAT is when you've grown up. That is when you've learned that the choices that people will approve of or like aren't always the best for you.

These are all just thoughts running through my head. Some people will never understand them. They'll think I'm talking about someone or something, maybe seeing similarities between what I've written and their lives will strike a chord will either inspire or offend them. When it comes down to it, I don't care any more. I'm past it all. I stopped caring about peoples opinions the day I decided, a little over a month ago, to turn my world up side down. It was the best thing I ever did. I don't take for granted ANYTHING I have because I BUSTED my ass for it, my HUSBAND busted HIS ass for it, I didn't ask mommy or daddy. WE did it on our own. Did we have help sometimes? Of course. But constantly no? Until someone has really earned anything, they'll probably never understand.

This is me. I'm loud, I'm obnoxious at times (okay, most of the time), I have no filter between my thoughts and my mouth. I can be rude, self-centered, a bit out of hand, reckless, impulsive, indecisive and annoying. On the other hand I can be a great listener, a caring friend (to those who matter), a helping hand, a good person, an honest sounding board, a hard worker, etc. I love every bit of me for me. So, because of that, a few extra pounds or a crappy hair color, or clothes that aren't necessarily 'in style' don't matter (even though I'd like to be thin and have great hair and awesome clothes lol).

I love EVERY part of my crazy life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And for once, I am completely content. So....if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass = )