Phone Calls

Today, as I was sitting at the Doctors office with my son, I received a phone call from my OB/GYN's office. They were wanting to check in to see why I hadn't had a follow up, after a few questions (since I hadn't been to the office since Feb. of '09 and had missed my last appointment) I was informed that my last pap smear had come back showing abnormal cells and apparently no one had felt the need to contact me until now. It was an 'oversight' and an 'error' for which they apologized once and then told me I needed to make an appointment to be seen and have another pap done IMMEDIATELY. Well, that's great news to get over the phone. Thank you for waiting since February of 2009 to tell me that something could seriously be wrong with me. Of course, it could also be nothing. A bad test, an error, no big deal. Got it. However, there is always the possibility it's something more and that's a scary thing, especially when now it's been left unattended for over a year and a half. I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm scared and again, I'm dealing with it 'alone'.

Of course, I have awesome friends who care and who were there for me after I got the call today and a great new friend who even offered to go to the Doctors office with me if I was too scared to go alone. I might be, I don't know yet. However, again, during scary and important times my husband is absent. I know it's not his fault, he tries the best he can, he contacted me as soon as he saw my message about what was going on but a nice word from halfway around the world sometimes just doesn't cut it. I want someone to hold me, and tell me it's ok and hold my hand during the test and when I get the results and holding a phone and reading words on a screen, again just doesn't seem like enough. Such is the life of an Army wife I guess, but sometimes, I feel like I forgot what/who I was waiting for. I'll admit it, my marriage might be falling apart, maybe I'm letting it. Maybe my life is falling apart, but it only feels like it's falling together.

This has been the hardest, but possibly best, year of my life. It's really amazing. I have overcome things that I thought I could never deal with and I've done it on my own, with the help of some friends and managed to keep it all together, for the most part. It's an amazing feeling. I have spent the last month smiling even when things have been terrible. Can anyone really ask for more than that? I know there are those who judge the decisions I make harshly, they can't understand and I suspect they never will until they've been where I have been. I have honestly started to find myself again. That's been a priceless gift.

Today, when I faced the worst case scenario of these test results, which would be cancer, I panicked for a moment and thought 'Oh my God, what if I die? What about everything I will have missed?' and for the first time, in a very long time, I knew that if I were to die tomorrow, God forbid, I wouldn't feel like there was anything I'd left undone because I'm living life to the fullest. It's amazing. I love it. That is all.

This song might sum it up best:

"I tend to laugh just a little too loud,
What's on my mind usually comes out my mouth
I've never been one to blend in a crowd but I'm okay with that
I lose my keys and I'm constantly late
I'm comfortable a couple pounds overweight
I'm gonna eat when I'm out on a date
Cause that's just who I am

I'm gonna live my life outloud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me.

I love to dance with my two left feet
I'm best friends with whoever I meet
It might hurt the heart I wear on my sleeve
But I will take that chance
One day I might just change the world
I'm gonna do it being just a girl
Who's gonna say things you can't ignore
Cause I love and I believe

I'm gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love
For me.

I'm living my life day by day
And I'm through basing it off what others thinks right

Gonna live my life out loud
Gonna live my life out loud
Sing the truth
Lay it all right out there
For the whole wide world to see
And if you're gonna love me
Then you're gonna love me
For me."