It seems funny now to look back at what I last wrote here. June 2012. How stupidly optimistic I was about so many things in my life I'd talked myself into believing were real. How stupid I was to have believed in and loved someone who didn't love me back. But I do that a lot I guess.
I don't think anyone reads this, hell most people I know don't even know it exists. So who cares, I'll put it all out there. As I sit here tonight, at my lowest low, I keep wondering how every time, I'm stupid enough to believe that life gets better. That when things are good, I won't lose it and fuck them up. How I can imagine that people will be there for me, or care, in the same way I was or cared for them?
I don't know how to do this any more. I don't know how to hold it together when I'm in over my head and drowning. I don't understand how so many time I'm there for people but when I could use the favors returned the most, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on, no one is there. Not the ones I wish were any way. It doesn't mean that the people who are don't count, it's just that the ones I feel as if I truly go through hell for don't give a damn. And maybe they don't.
Today I just want to give up. Give up on life, give up on trying, give up on fighting and just go back to existing and not giving a fuck about making anything better. In the end, it doesn't matter any way. I'm in over my head and there's no way to undo all of the fucked up messes anymore. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can sleep away the next 60 shitty years of my existence.
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