It seems funny now to look back at what I last wrote here. June 2012. How stupidly optimistic I was about so many things in my life I'd talked myself into believing were real. How stupid I was to have believed in and loved someone who didn't love me back. But I do that a lot I guess.
I don't think anyone reads this, hell most people I know don't even know it exists. So who cares, I'll put it all out there. As I sit here tonight, at my lowest low, I keep wondering how every time, I'm stupid enough to believe that life gets better. That when things are good, I won't lose it and fuck them up. How I can imagine that people will be there for me, or care, in the same way I was or cared for them?
I don't know how to do this any more. I don't know how to hold it together when I'm in over my head and drowning. I don't understand how so many time I'm there for people but when I could use the favors returned the most, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on, no one is there. Not the ones I wish were any way. It doesn't mean that the people who are don't count, it's just that the ones I feel as if I truly go through hell for don't give a damn. And maybe they don't.
Today I just want to give up. Give up on life, give up on trying, give up on fighting and just go back to existing and not giving a fuck about making anything better. In the end, it doesn't matter any way. I'm in over my head and there's no way to undo all of the fucked up messes anymore. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can sleep away the next 60 shitty years of my existence.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Thursday, June 14, 2012
It's Been A While
It's been a long time since I've written anything on here. Honestly, I kind of forgot I had a blog. LOL
SO much has gone on that it'd take a long, long time to catch up so I won't. Instead, I'll just say that it's been an experience and a wild ride and there were some great times, some bad times but either way I'm here and I'm doing alive.
Things are going fairly well considering all the changes in the past few months and even more to come but I'm SUPER excited. By this time next year, we'll be looking to buy a house, all the bills will be paid off...it's gonna be nice.
Not to mention, RRR is growing and improving by leaps and bounds. It's taken a lot of hard work but it's all coming together. Finally.
I'm happy, things are good...it's life. =)
I don't really have anything to bitch about. I'm getting into deployment mode getting ready for Rob to deploy yet again as a civilian contractor (and I thought I was done with this lol) but this time it'll actually be worth it as much as it might suck. It's going to be a good summer and fall will be even better, I have a lot of big plans and in a year from now...things are going to be awesome.
I've also got to stop surrounding myself with so many crazy dog rescue people. I can't handle all the nuttiness. I want to TRAIN dogs, mostly as service dogs for Soldiers. I don't need all the crazies around to do that. I'm changing up the game and if no one else is in, then I'll do it myself. I'm ok with that. I'm getting back to a lot more ME and a lot simpler way of doing things. It is what it is. The one thing we all know is I speak my mind and people can either take it or leave it. I just do what I do.
Anyway, that's about all for tonight. I need to start writing more again but that'll come soon enough.
Until next time...
SO much has gone on that it'd take a long, long time to catch up so I won't. Instead, I'll just say that it's been an experience and a wild ride and there were some great times, some bad times but either way I'm here and I'm doing alive.
Things are going fairly well considering all the changes in the past few months and even more to come but I'm SUPER excited. By this time next year, we'll be looking to buy a house, all the bills will be paid off...it's gonna be nice.
Not to mention, RRR is growing and improving by leaps and bounds. It's taken a lot of hard work but it's all coming together. Finally.
I'm happy, things are good...it's life. =)
I don't really have anything to bitch about. I'm getting into deployment mode getting ready for Rob to deploy yet again as a civilian contractor (and I thought I was done with this lol) but this time it'll actually be worth it as much as it might suck. It's going to be a good summer and fall will be even better, I have a lot of big plans and in a year from now...things are going to be awesome.
I've also got to stop surrounding myself with so many crazy dog rescue people. I can't handle all the nuttiness. I want to TRAIN dogs, mostly as service dogs for Soldiers. I don't need all the crazies around to do that. I'm changing up the game and if no one else is in, then I'll do it myself. I'm ok with that. I'm getting back to a lot more ME and a lot simpler way of doing things. It is what it is. The one thing we all know is I speak my mind and people can either take it or leave it. I just do what I do.
Anyway, that's about all for tonight. I need to start writing more again but that'll come soon enough.
Until next time...
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What's Done is Done
I love this time of night here at home. It's so quiet and peaceful. The dogs are asleep, Caleb is at his Nana's tonight, the roomie is asleep and I'm left here alone with my thoughts.
You know, it's funny, there's so much I could say but it all seems like a waste of breath. The thing I've learned the most lately is, you can't fix stupid and well, in this world, there's a lot of stupid lol. I am done trying to change peoples mind or put the real thing out there. I know what it is, and I'm content with just that. People will be convinced of whatever they want, I don't even care to change it anymore. I'm going to laugh to myself about it all, because well, I got it like that.
I do what I do and I LOVE my life. I also LIVE my life for no one but myself and my son. People can disagree with that or think whatever they want but I have my time to be mom and my time, after 4 years, to be me. I am entitled to that and there are no rules saying you are not allowed that to be a good parent. I want breaks like everyone else and just because I take them doesn't mean I'm less, it means I know when to give myself a mental rest so my child can have a happier parent around him rather than someone who is bitter and miserable.
Either way, I'm done explaining it. I have some awesome friends in my life, I have a lot of awesome things going for me and most of all, I'm loving every minute of living MY life on MY terms. I should have done this a long time ago. If anyone feels left out, or left behind, well then I really don't know what to say. I'm still young and I still have time to do all of the things I want to. I don't have to stop living because I have a boyfriend, I don't have to stop living because I have a child and most of all I don't have to stop living because some bitter person who must hate their own life so much they have to have a superior attitude, thinks that I should. I'll do me, you do you.
I was never the perfect housewife, I can't make myself squeeze into that role. I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I do my best and my son grows up around amazing people who love him and care about him and has a mom who is HAPPY finally. I know that I may bounce from job to job but it's always kind of been my thing. I don't like boring and I don't like routine and if that makes me a bad person well then so be it.
I have worked hard to get everything that I have wanted in whatever fashion I've done it. I have been through times where I only depended on myself and times where I have only depended on others. Either way, I've always made it through, repaid my debt in one form or fashion and come out better on the other side. Life isn't always easy, sometimes we fall and sometimes we stumble, we have to rely on others occasionally who can help pick us back up, that's just all a part of it and there isn't a bit of shame in it. At least not to me, a person who has lived a lot of life without some idealized version of the world that I hold up as 'how it should be'. There is no 'how it should be', things change and evolve every day and you adapt to the situation at hand. That's just how it goes and I wouldn't have it any other way. The best parts of life are in the struggle, not in the easy parts.
Some people will never learn and grow. I have learned that too. There are some people who are content in their own little bubble, working so hard to prove their happier or better. I'm not. I like just being happier, better is a matter of opinion which I never really cared about. There is so much out there to see and do, and so much life to live, I could never limit myself to one small thing, one small view of this whole wide world. I want to do as much as I can and meet as many people as I can and have as much fun as I can because what it comes down to is that we only live once. We have to make the best of it, there is no redo button.
I guess, in the end, what I'm saying is this, I LIVE my life. I don't care who doesn't approve or what the silly opinions of others may be. I have learned through living, not through a text book and though that might not give me a big ol career or some high paying job, the payment I get from LIVING and LEARNING in life will make me richer in the end than any hour I've ever spent in a class room. I don't think I'm better or worse for that, it's just the way I prefer to be. That works for me and that's all I care about. People can say whatever they want, console themselves with whatever stories they fabricate or make themselves the do all hero in but I know the truth and deep down, they do too. I can still look in the mirror every day and feel just fine.
Well, long day tomorrow and I've blabbered on enough. There's a whole new day and a LOT of life to be lived. I intend to make the most out of EVERY minute. I can't wait to be on the road for the longest road trip of my life in 9 days with one of my very best friends. It's work (having to get the car from point a to b) and fun (might as well make the best of it) all rolled in to one. Can't ask for more =)
Until next time kids....
You know, it's funny, there's so much I could say but it all seems like a waste of breath. The thing I've learned the most lately is, you can't fix stupid and well, in this world, there's a lot of stupid lol. I am done trying to change peoples mind or put the real thing out there. I know what it is, and I'm content with just that. People will be convinced of whatever they want, I don't even care to change it anymore. I'm going to laugh to myself about it all, because well, I got it like that.
I do what I do and I LOVE my life. I also LIVE my life for no one but myself and my son. People can disagree with that or think whatever they want but I have my time to be mom and my time, after 4 years, to be me. I am entitled to that and there are no rules saying you are not allowed that to be a good parent. I want breaks like everyone else and just because I take them doesn't mean I'm less, it means I know when to give myself a mental rest so my child can have a happier parent around him rather than someone who is bitter and miserable.
Either way, I'm done explaining it. I have some awesome friends in my life, I have a lot of awesome things going for me and most of all, I'm loving every minute of living MY life on MY terms. I should have done this a long time ago. If anyone feels left out, or left behind, well then I really don't know what to say. I'm still young and I still have time to do all of the things I want to. I don't have to stop living because I have a boyfriend, I don't have to stop living because I have a child and most of all I don't have to stop living because some bitter person who must hate their own life so much they have to have a superior attitude, thinks that I should. I'll do me, you do you.
I was never the perfect housewife, I can't make myself squeeze into that role. I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I do my best and my son grows up around amazing people who love him and care about him and has a mom who is HAPPY finally. I know that I may bounce from job to job but it's always kind of been my thing. I don't like boring and I don't like routine and if that makes me a bad person well then so be it.
I have worked hard to get everything that I have wanted in whatever fashion I've done it. I have been through times where I only depended on myself and times where I have only depended on others. Either way, I've always made it through, repaid my debt in one form or fashion and come out better on the other side. Life isn't always easy, sometimes we fall and sometimes we stumble, we have to rely on others occasionally who can help pick us back up, that's just all a part of it and there isn't a bit of shame in it. At least not to me, a person who has lived a lot of life without some idealized version of the world that I hold up as 'how it should be'. There is no 'how it should be', things change and evolve every day and you adapt to the situation at hand. That's just how it goes and I wouldn't have it any other way. The best parts of life are in the struggle, not in the easy parts.
Some people will never learn and grow. I have learned that too. There are some people who are content in their own little bubble, working so hard to prove their happier or better. I'm not. I like just being happier, better is a matter of opinion which I never really cared about. There is so much out there to see and do, and so much life to live, I could never limit myself to one small thing, one small view of this whole wide world. I want to do as much as I can and meet as many people as I can and have as much fun as I can because what it comes down to is that we only live once. We have to make the best of it, there is no redo button.
I guess, in the end, what I'm saying is this, I LIVE my life. I don't care who doesn't approve or what the silly opinions of others may be. I have learned through living, not through a text book and though that might not give me a big ol career or some high paying job, the payment I get from LIVING and LEARNING in life will make me richer in the end than any hour I've ever spent in a class room. I don't think I'm better or worse for that, it's just the way I prefer to be. That works for me and that's all I care about. People can say whatever they want, console themselves with whatever stories they fabricate or make themselves the do all hero in but I know the truth and deep down, they do too. I can still look in the mirror every day and feel just fine.
Well, long day tomorrow and I've blabbered on enough. There's a whole new day and a LOT of life to be lived. I intend to make the most out of EVERY minute. I can't wait to be on the road for the longest road trip of my life in 9 days with one of my very best friends. It's work (having to get the car from point a to b) and fun (might as well make the best of it) all rolled in to one. Can't ask for more =)
Until next time kids....
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Everything I've Always Wanted To Say
This is to all the fake ass bitches out there...
First off, your convenient excuses for the shit that you did might get by with everyone else. However, there are some of us who saw the truth, and know it for exactly what it was/is. Yet, you act like your hands are clean enough to talk about everyone else. That's a fucking joke and a half. You don't have the balls to say anything to my face, just behind my back to your joke of a friend who also has no balls. There are some people who apparently focus way too much on my life instead of their own yet blame me of the same thing. I wouldn't want what either of you have, you couldn't pay me to take it, so please save yourselves the breath of acting like what you have/want is what I 'wish' I could.
I love this image people have in their head of what my life is like and why theirs (or they) are better. LOL I don't even know where to begin on that one so I won't.
I'm not bitter and hateful enough about my life or myself to attack you unless attacked first. Think long and hard about that. If only they knew, I have what they really want ;) BUT that's another story LOL I think I played I win in that game too.
The fact is that what you find acceptable or perfect in your life, I wouldn't wish for in mine. I have all that I want/need and I know who I REALLY am, what I've really done and what I've REALLY been through. Your view is skewed by hatred and so far from the outside you don't seem to understand. You make up stories to act like you have any idea of what I've been through but the truth is I've talked to the people you talk about, and their story is very different than yours. There's a reason there are so few who are loyal to you. You take your anger out on people for your own failings and shortcomings because you're jealous of what they had that you now wish you could have to the point of trying to convince yourself it's real every month.
I don't act like my life, or I, am perfect. I just live and do what I do. Your opinions can be whatever they want. Maybe everyone should take a very hard look at themselves and their daily habits before they judge mine. I have fun in whatever I do but I also take care of my responsibilities. Until you have done what I have done ALONE then you will never know. You can say you do all you want. But, you don't. Working hard on everyone elses dime, or raping the system because of some BS makes you the same as the person you presume I am and may I add, leaves you no room to talk. Oh congrats, you did something on your own? For once?! Here's a cookie.
The games and shit talk are cute. If you REALLY knew what was going on, you'd hate me even more lol it makes me giggle on the inside. Keep on being so bitter about your life you have to watch everything I do and say and talk about it amongst yourselves. I think it's funny, and I think it's cute. Above all, it's why I've cleared a lot of useless people out of my life. I'm tired of hearing their daily drama about fucked up people in fucked up situations. I'm out living while you're busy trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you're not really who you REALLY are.
LOL Deuces! Winning!
First off, your convenient excuses for the shit that you did might get by with everyone else. However, there are some of us who saw the truth, and know it for exactly what it was/is. Yet, you act like your hands are clean enough to talk about everyone else. That's a fucking joke and a half. You don't have the balls to say anything to my face, just behind my back to your joke of a friend who also has no balls. There are some people who apparently focus way too much on my life instead of their own yet blame me of the same thing. I wouldn't want what either of you have, you couldn't pay me to take it, so please save yourselves the breath of acting like what you have/want is what I 'wish' I could.
I love this image people have in their head of what my life is like and why theirs (or they) are better. LOL I don't even know where to begin on that one so I won't.
I'm not bitter and hateful enough about my life or myself to attack you unless attacked first. Think long and hard about that. If only they knew, I have what they really want ;) BUT that's another story LOL I think I played I win in that game too.
The fact is that what you find acceptable or perfect in your life, I wouldn't wish for in mine. I have all that I want/need and I know who I REALLY am, what I've really done and what I've REALLY been through. Your view is skewed by hatred and so far from the outside you don't seem to understand. You make up stories to act like you have any idea of what I've been through but the truth is I've talked to the people you talk about, and their story is very different than yours. There's a reason there are so few who are loyal to you. You take your anger out on people for your own failings and shortcomings because you're jealous of what they had that you now wish you could have to the point of trying to convince yourself it's real every month.
I don't act like my life, or I, am perfect. I just live and do what I do. Your opinions can be whatever they want. Maybe everyone should take a very hard look at themselves and their daily habits before they judge mine. I have fun in whatever I do but I also take care of my responsibilities. Until you have done what I have done ALONE then you will never know. You can say you do all you want. But, you don't. Working hard on everyone elses dime, or raping the system because of some BS makes you the same as the person you presume I am and may I add, leaves you no room to talk. Oh congrats, you did something on your own? For once?! Here's a cookie.
The games and shit talk are cute. If you REALLY knew what was going on, you'd hate me even more lol it makes me giggle on the inside. Keep on being so bitter about your life you have to watch everything I do and say and talk about it amongst yourselves. I think it's funny, and I think it's cute. Above all, it's why I've cleared a lot of useless people out of my life. I'm tired of hearing their daily drama about fucked up people in fucked up situations. I'm out living while you're busy trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you're not really who you REALLY are.
LOL Deuces! Winning!
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